


New Moon But I Fixed It

by scobblelotcher



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2020-12-27 17:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21122771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scobblelotcher/pseuds/scobblelotcher
Summary: I decided that the original Twilight was alright but New Moon-onward needed a revamp (ha!) so I'm here to fix it.





	1. My Boyfriend Takes Advantage of my Many, Many Insecurities

“Bella, we’re leaving.”

I took a deep breath. This, at least, was better than a breakup, and it would explain his stress. “Why now?” I asked. “I thought another year-”

He sighed, the perfect features of his face contorted into a strange, forced pity. “Bella, it’s time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, really? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he’s pushing thirty-three. We’d have to start over soon regardless.”

Confusion clouded my thoughts. The point of leaving was so that we could live in peace- why did the cover story matter now? What had changed, that Carlisle’s alibi was an influence? I searched his gaze, wondering and looking for an answer.

Edward stared back in frigid silence. He offered no more information.

I wouldn’t need information, if…

If…

“When you say _we_-” I started, carefully annunciating each word. Edward cut me off.

“I mean my family and myself,” he said coldly, each word separate and distinct.

“Okay,” I said, nodding. “Give me an hour to pack. I’m coming with you.”

“No, you aren’t.” His face was snakelike- eyes narrowed, nostrils flared. “Where we’re going- it’s not the right place for you.”

“You’re the right place for me,” I said matter-of-factly- at least, I hoped it sounded matter of fact. He should know that there would be no argument around this by now. Nausea, confusion, abandonment were rolling through me in destructive, terrible waves, but I did my best to stand my ground. I loved him, he loved me. It was that simple, and therefore, I was coming too. “You’re the best part of my life,” I whispered.

“I’m not. I’m no good for you. What happened earlier- my world is not for you.”

“What happened earlier doesn’t _matter_, Edward! Jasper feels bad, I feel bad, I’m not afraid!”

“You should be! Do I need to remind you of the spring’s disastrous events?”

“Do I need to remind you that you promised?” I challenged. “You promised to stay-”  
“As long as it was the best for you,” Edward countered. I kept searching his eyes for something, for any remorse, but there was nothing but fierce certainty. How could this be best for me?

My subconscious retrieved a memory from days ago- my conversation with Carlisle. My eyes narrowed in victory. “This is about my soul, isn’t it?” I said. “Carlisle told me about your little worldview. Well, bad news, Edward, you have my soul already, and you know it.”

I was inches away from him now, and the forest had melted away. The hum of the wildlife had faded to nothingness- all I could hear was the agonizingly loud beat of my heart, and the silence where his would be. Edward didn’t meet my gaze for a long time, murderous expression focused on my shoelaces. Finally, he raised his eyes to mine, and the liquid gold was throwing daggers at me. He straightened to his full height, lifting his chin, and I was forced to take a step back to maintain eye contact. Damn it.

“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.” His jaw was set, eyes vicious. The words hit me like a truck, and I flinched as I absorbed their full impact.

_He doesn’t want you,_ the voice that dwells in my gut whispered in satisfaction. _You knew it all along- how could he want you? He’s perfect, you’re you- you knew this was coming, stupid, naive girl._

Louder than the bitch in my gut, the small voice in the back of my mind, the one who sounded like me, was rattling off every time that Edward had told me he loved me. Every time he had done something thoughtful as a reflex, the first time he said my name, our journey to the meadow, Phoenix, everything.

“If you think that lying to my face will make me let go of you, it won’t work,” I said, cursing myself inwardly at the wobble in my voice. The lump in my throat was hard at work, it seemed. “You- you don’t mean that. You’re only saying that so that I let you go, but I won’t.”

Edward didn’t move, and although it had seemed impossible, his eyes hardened even more. “Really, Bella, how long did you think this was going to last?” He said, arrogance and pity at my naivety laced through his words. “You were a distraction, a fling- this was never going to go anywhere. Look at you! You, in all your… humanity.” He spat the word like it left a foul taste in his mouth. “You were never a match for me, not really.”

I was too shocked to cry. The bitch in my stomach was nodding along, and the voice in my head had fallen silent. When she spoke again, she weakly admitted, _He’s right. You know that_. Instead of forcing tears that had been blocked by some unseen force, I stared at him. His gold eyes were unrecognizable, and nowhere in their topaz depths did I see contradiction to the words he’d spoken.

“Well, that changes things,” I said, astounded at how calm my voice sounded.

“Of course, I’ll always love you… in a way,” Edward added in a tone that suggested that the ‘way’ was the same affection you held for a beloved family dog. “But your birthday party gave me the clarity that a year of advice from my real family could not. I’m tired of pretending to be human, Bella. I’m sick of pretending to be yours. I’ve let this go on too long, and that’s my fault.”

“Shut up.” I heard my voice but I didn’t remember saying it.

“You’re not good for me,” he said.

“Shut _up_,” I repeated. “If I’m just- just some, some human plaything, I don’t want to hear it. You’re leaving, I’m a flaming shitheap of humanity, and I can’t change it, so just go. Get out of my town.”

“I ask one thing of you before I go,” he said indifferently.

“Oh, yeah?” I asked, fire suddenly alive in my gut, but the cold look in his eyes extinguished it as quickly as it had ignited. When I spoke, it was in defeat. “What do you want, Edward?”

“Don’t do anything reckless. Or stupid,” he said. His tone was still nonchalant, but some of the passion came back to his eyes. For a second, I recognized him again. Then he blinked, and the impassivity returned. “I’m thinking of Charlie, of course. Your death would kill him. Take care of yourself for his sake.”

It was my turn to stare at my shoelaces. I didn’t say anything, thinking of all things that right now, it didn’t matter that Edward couldn’t see my thoughts. Because my mind was perfectly empty. I felt myself nod. He was still talking.

“It will be better for you. It will be as if I was never even here. Your human mind is like a sieve- give it two, three years, and I will be nothing but a bad dream.”

“What about your memories?” I asked in monotone, as if I was reading off of a teleprompter.

“Like I’ve said. My kind is very easily distracted.” I knew he was smiling that crooked grin, but I wasn’t looking at him. I wasn’t sure I could focus on anything. I watched his feet shuffle backwards with the grace only he could possess. 

“Well, that’s it, then. We’ll leave you to your business.”

“I want to say goodbye to Alice,” I said suddenly, my eyes flashing to his. “Unless she feels the same way, and I’ve been the family pet all this time without even knowing it.”

Edward shrugged. “I wouldn’t know how she feels,” he lied- obviously he would know- “But it doesn’t matter. They all left this morning, and I stayed to say the collective farewell.”

“Some diplomat you are.”

“Goodbye, Bella Swan,” he said in his cool tone. He sounded almost pleased with himself. All of the fire I had felt, the anger, the betrayal, was replaced with a wild moment of despair. 

“Wait,” I begged, reaching out. Panic clawed at my throat- yes, I was mad at him for leaving, but if I could make him stay, we could work things out, couldn’t we? I grabbed his wrist and dug my heels into the ground, adamant.

Edward shook me off, as delicate as if he were handling a bird. “Take care of yourself,” he said lightly. He stared for just a moment, and then in the blink of an eye, he ran off. 

I was alone in the woods. 

Numbly, I did the only thing I could think to.

I followed him.

About three steps into the venture, I realized it was a lost cause- he hadn’t left footsteps, crushed foliage, anything trackable- but I pressed on. If I stopped searching, I was giving up.

Just like he’d given up on me.

I wandered for some time, calling his name as the sunlight faded. It began to drizzle with the sunset, but I couldn’t stop, so I shrugged my jacket further up my shoulders and clenched my jaw. 

In the pitch black, I tripped over something, a root, maybe, and fell. My cheek felt hot against the cold mud, the rain splashing on my face just right to make me close my eyes and curl into the fetal position. I would lay here until… until… I didn’t know what I was waiting for. The morning, perhaps. The rain stopped, and I looked up through a gap in the trees, hoping for the stars, the moon, anything, but the sky was unforgivingly empty.

I closed my eyes again and dreamt someone was calling my name.

A hand landed roughly on my shoulders and I screamed, flailing my arms and shoving the person away.

“Bella? Bella Swan?”

I pushed myself into a sitting position against a tree trunk, my heart racing, and a hand lifted against the flashlight shining mercilessly into my face. “How do you know my name?”

The man set his flashlight on the ground and held his large hands up placatingly. “Bella, my name is Sam Uley. Have you been hurt?”

I stared at him. The angle of the flashlight made him look like something out of a thriller- all shadow and angular cheekbones. I shook my head to his question. “How do you know my name?” I repeated, still suspicious.

“Charlie sent me to find you,” he said. “There’s a whole search party out here. You’ve got the town pretty worried.”

I took a moment to process his words. Fuck the town, but if Charlie was worried…

“Charlie sent you,” I said, and it wasn’t a question. Sam Uley nodded, and I pushed myself to my feet. He copied the motion, hands at the ready to catch me should I fall. I took a step towards him and staggered- he caught me on reflex. “Can you walk?”

I nodded, and he let me go, but his hands still hovered. I took another step and nearly tripped, and he gave a small sigh. “If it’s alright, I’m going to carry you,” Sam Uley said, waiting for my nod before scooping me up like I weighed nothing. I noticed that he wasn’t wearing a jacket, just a long sleeved tee shirt, but he radiated warmth, which I was immeasurably grateful for. If I had been any degree less exhausted, I would have been embarrassed at being carried- and by a stranger no less- but it was all I could do to keep my shivering to a minimum and lean my head onto his shoulder, shutting my eyes and letting this furnace of a guy heat me up.

I was dimly aware of conversation growing louder around us, and it abruptly cut off as Sam said, “I found her.” His voice boomed in his chest- I flinched at the sudden vibration. It was nothing, though, compared to the cries of relief and sudden crowd around us. “Is she hurt?” Someone asked.

“No,” Sam said. “But she keeps saying, ‘I need to find him’, and ‘He’s gone’.”

I frowned. Had I been saying that out loud?

“Bella!”

My head turned instinctively towards his voice. “Charlie?” I knew that I had spoken, but my voice sounded small. Weak. I didn’t like it.

“I’m here, kiddo- give her here, Sam,” Charlie said, and Sam hesitated. 

“Maybe I should hold onto her, Charlie,” he said, but I was already being passed, and my face pressed against Charlie’s leather jacket, the fluff around the collar tickling my nose. 

“No, I’ve got her,” Charlie said, gruff and out of breath. “Let’s get you home.”

We moved slowly, and I felt every step. “Charlie, I can walk,” I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out. I watched over Charlie’s shoulder as the woods receded and eventually, we came up on our house. Sam Uley held open the door, and Charlie huffed his way to the sofa and lowered me onto it.

“I’m all wet and muddy,” I protested, trying to get up, but he pushed me back down. “Doesn’t matter,” he said gruffly. “Sam- blankets are at the top of the stairs in the cabinet to the left.”

Sam walked off, and Charlie sat at my feet. A new face came into view, and although it took me a minute, I said, “Dr. Gerandy?”

“That’s right,” he said, mock-cheerful. “Let’s get a good look at you, shall we? Are you hurt?”

I shook my head again, dwelling on his phrasing. In the woods, Sam had asked _Have you been hurt_, which didn’t sound different, but a part of me knew that the inconsistency was laced with meaning- meaning I couldn’t quite grasp.

I spent the next hour being prodded, swaddled, and interrogated by Dr. Gerandy, Charlie, and then Dr. Gerandy some more. I answered his questions in single word replies.

Are you hurt? _No_.

Did you get lost? _Yes_.

Was anyone with you? _No_.

Are you tired? _Yes_.

After “Did you get lost”, I’d shut my eyes. It was too much with everyone there. The Newtons, Jessica and her parents, the Webers, the neighbors, Sam Uley and two others from La Push- half of the town must have been looking for me. Dr. Gerandy deemed me safe to be left alone, and he and Charlie crossed the room to discuss in hushed tones. I strained to hear.

“-true that they left?” Charlie was saying. I squinted at him- he was fiddling with his watch’s strap, latching and unlatching the leather band in a nervous tick. 

“Dr. Cullen asked for our discretion,” Dr. Gerandy said. “The offer was lucrative and sudden- there was no time for goodbyes. They didn’t want a whole production.”

That was the cover story, then. Carlisle had taken an offer elsewhere. 

“A little warning would have been nice,” Charlie grumbled. “And Bella lied- I found a note on the counter from her, telling me that she and Edwin had gone on a walk in the woods-” he cut off, fists clenching. “Son of a bitch, he left her out there _alone_.”

“Let’s not jump to conclusions,” I heard Dr. Gerandy say, but a strange emotion was in me. It was anger on a low setting. It had the capacity to ignite, but I had no spark. Edward had left a note, so that the party would know to come looking for me if I didn’t make it home. Why would he do that if he didn’t care about me?

Why didn’t he care about me?

I closed my eyes with that thought, drifting in and out of consciousness. The hushed voices of all of the volunteers shifted from silenced by sleep to the all-too-loud tones of drowsiness. I heard Charlie usher the last one out of the house with a thank you, then collapse in the armchair next to my feet. I wasn’t sure how long he sat in silence before the phone rang, and he mumbled and got up to get it. 

“Hey, Billy,” he said, and I craned my neck, watching as he rubbed the exhaustion from his eyes. “Yeah, we found her. She got lost. She’s okay. Thanks for sending Sam and the boys- without them, we might still be looking.”

He listened, and I watched as he blinked. “Fires?” He scratched at the back of his neck. “And why are they doing that?”

He glowered at whatever Billy’s response was. “Uh huh. Well, don’t apologize to me, just make sure they don’t spread. Thanks again, Billy. See you.” Charlie hung up the receiver and sighed, leaning his head against the wall. This seemed personal, and I felt like I was intruding where I shouldn’t by watching him like this, so I broke the silence.

“What’s burning?” I asked. He glanced up, then said, “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“It’s fine,” I said, tucking my feet under me and sitting up more. “What’s burning?”

“Some kids in La Push set off some bonfires down the coast,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose as he crossed to lean against the kitchen counter. “They’re celebrating,” he added meaningfully at my confused look.

Of course the Quileutes would be celebrating the fact that the Cullens had departed. Jake’s story from last spring rung in my ears. We fell quiet, Charlie and I, watching the sun rise through the dirty window over the kitchen sink.

“Bella?” Charlie said quietly. 

“Hmm?”

“He left you alone in the woods?”

I clenched my jaw and didn’t look at him. “How’d you find me?”

“Your note. When you didn’t come back, I got a search team together. I need you to tell me if he left you in the woods alone.”

“It’s not like that, Dad, we were on the trail- I could see the house- but I followed him, and I got lost. It doesn’t matter, anyway.”

“Where was Edward going?” Charlie asked, and hearing his name sent a bolt of pain and anger and loss so violently through me that I lurched to my feet. “I’m gonna go lie down in my bed,” I said, and before Charlie could protest, I was staggering up the stairs.

If he had been in the house to plant a note, what else had he done?

I rummaged through my room, checking everything, dread pooling in my stomach as I sat down and assessed. My CD, gone. The photos in the album from Renee, gone. The jacket he’d left me, the one I’d worn to school a day or two prior, missing. 

_It will be as if I was never even here._

  
  



	2. My Boyfriend Takes Advantage of my Many, Many Insecurities

It feels like I can't breathe.


	3. November

Why can't I feel anything?


	4. December

I heard his name today. It stung... but I felt it. I want to feel again, even if it hurts. Is that crazy?


	5. January

At least Charlie doesn't know. If I can keep him happy, this will all have been worth it.


	6. Move Over, Vampires, There's a New Horror Protagonist In Town

“That’s _it_, Bella. I’m sending you home!”

I looked up at Charlie, confused. “I am home.”

“No. To your mother in Jacksonville. Kid, I- you’ve been out of it, Bella, and I’m beyond worried about you, and if what you need is sun and your mom, then you’re going to Renee.”

My face remained unmoving. “What did I do?” I ran slowly through my behavior over the last four months. I had gone to school, I had fantastic grades, I cooked, I cleaned my room. I’d done everything to a t around the house.

“You’re a machine, Bella.” Charlie said in a broken, helpless sort of way. “You haven’t left the house since God knows when, ever since-”

I cut him off before he could bring  _ him  _ up. “So you’re saying if I go out, I don’t have to go to Jacksonville,” I clarified. “You want me to go- go be a teenager? Get in trouble, be a hooligan?”

“Hooligan would be better than moping around!”

“I don’t mope,” I retorted. I’d been very careful not to be a melancholy wreck.

Charlie sighed. “Okay, maybe not mope, but you… you’re lifeless. It’s like you’re a zombie.”

The words stung more than they should have. Lifeless. Zombie. I forced some life into my face as I said, “I’m sorry, Dad.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry.”

Irritation sparked through me. “Then what do you want?”

“I want… I want you to get help. To be happy.”

“I don’t need a shrink.”

He held his hands up defensively. “Look, when your mom left, I went through… well, something like this. It was a rough time for me. And the way I got through it was leaning on my friends, and yeah, maybe a couple therapy sessions.”

Seeing a psychologist was absolutely out of the question. Those sort of relationships usually worked if the patient was honest, which wasn’t something I could be unless I wanted to live in an asylum for the rest of my life. 

“Fine, I’ll go out tonight. I’ll get Angela, or Jessica, and go do something.”

“You don’t need to-”

“I don’t need to? So I can’t stay at home but I don’t need to go out either?”   
“You don’t need to try harder than you already are. Bells, you’re trying so hard. I see that. I just think it might be easier to try if you get away from Forks- waiting for a memory that isn’t coming back.”

I set my jaw. “I’m not waiting for anything or anyone.”

“Bella,” he tried again, but I was already standing. “Dad, I’m a legal adult. I’m staying here. I’ve got to go, or I’m going to be late for school. I’ll talk to my friends. Call you if I’m going somewhere.”

I breezed out the door before he could say anything else, flipping up my hood and ignoring the way that the screen door slammed in the wind. My boots struck the ground in a surprisingly determined beat as I stormed to my truck and got in, inhaling the familiar scent of motor oil and rust that permeated every fiber of The Thing. I loved this car- I’d loved it since I first set my eyes on it. 

I’d loved this car since before him.

I opened my eyes and ran my hands over the wheel, seeing it for the first time in months. My gaze flickered guiltily to the wire-filled maw where I had ripped out the radio months ago. The upholstery on the seats was covered in cigarette burns, and I frowned, poking at one and blanching as the leather gave way. I huffed, turning the key in the ignition and letting the old thing rumble. That much had never changed, the roar of life my car emitted.

Ironic.

I drove to school, hung up on Charlie’s choice of words. Lifeless. Zombie. I looked at my eyes in the rearview mirror, wincing at the expression I saw on my own face. He was right- the best word for me was dead. 

I parked in the school lot- I was early- and buried my face in my hands, propping my elbows on the wheel. The whole point of staying in Forks was to make things better for Charlie. Take care of Charlie. And here I was, worrying him sick. The whole thing only made me feel guiltier. I got out of the car and approached the school in a daze, slipping into my first period like every other day- silently. Today was different, though, I’d give myself that. Today, I wasn’t thinking of nothing.

Today, for the first time since he left, I wanted to do something. Not for me, but for Charlie. And a tiny voice in the back of my head, one I hadn’t heard since September, hoped that once I did something for Charlie, maybe, just maybe, I would do something for myself.

At lunch, Angela and Lauren were arguing over the presence of the giant creatures that had been spotted by hikers and locals in the woods. Mike and I had overheard some backpackers arguing that it hadn’t been a bear, but a giant wolf, in the store the other day, but I didn’t think Mike knew I remembered. Part of my morning’s introspective session had shown me that I truly had become a zombie in nearly every aspect. I didn’t think I’d spoken more words than ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to these people, my  _ friends _ , in months.

“There’s no way,” Lauren was saying. “It’s not even bear season- why would there be wolves?”

“Bears and wolves aren’t related, Lauren,” Angela said impatiently, looking at Ben or Mike to back her up, but Ben was talking to Jessica, and Mike was staring at Ben in jealousy. I knew they must have broken up, because they weren’t sitting next to each other. 

“Doesn’t matter- giant wolves don’t exist,” Lauren said smugly, as though it proved her point. 

“There were hikers in Newton’s yesterday, saying they’d seen a giant wolf,” I said in Angela’s defense. “Just because you haven’t seen them doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”  
The table fell silent. It didn’t take long for me to realize why. I flushed and hid a little behind my hair, my first sentence of the year uttered. 

“She’s right,” Mike rushed after too long of a pause. “One guy was looking for bear-proof stuff, and his buddy was worried that it wouldn’t be enough.”

The conversation picked up around me, and I shrank even more in relief. I wanted nothing more than to look down and not say anything else, but I caught a glimpse of Charlie’s face in my mind’s eye, and I remembered my internal promise made in second period. I  _ would  _ try harder, for him. I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, forcing myself to make eye contact. Lauren was looking at me as though I’d crawled out of a grave ten minutes ago, and Jessica was pointedly ignoring me, but Angela and Ben were giving me warm smiles.  _ Welcome back,  _ Angela mouthed. 

For the first time in months, I smiled. 

  
  



	7. La Push, Baby

Mike chatted with me all the way to Anatomy. I couldn’t believe it, but he seemed happy to have me back. It was hard- exhausting- to answer his questions with more than one word, and to reply with my own contributions when the conversation called for it, and to  _ smile _ when I had to- but when I sat at my empty desk in the classroom, I had a feeling of satisfaction, of accomplishment. This was good. I glanced at the empty seat next to me, and my resolve wavered.

I missed him so much.

I knew that if I gave him too much thought, I’d break down in the middle of the class, so I grabbed my notebook and started writing down what was on the board. I felt Mr. Shores staring at me and I wondered uncertainly when the last time I’d taken notes in his class had been. We were dissecting cow bones today, and Mike eagerly volunteered to be my partner. 

“You just can’t pass out this time, okay?” He teased. I was startled to realize that the chuckle that followed his joke came from me, and he seemed to be, too. “Cow blood doesn’t phase me,” I replied. “I should be fine.”

“To begin, take any remaining muscle off of your bone,” Mr. Shores said, and Mike began snipping through tendons. “Then, remove the periosteum.”

We worked in silence for a while, peeling the tough covering off of the compact bone, when Mike said, “I missed you, Bella. I know… you’ve had a rough go of it, but I’m glad you’re talking again.”

A twinge of annoyance flitted through me- what did he care? Was this his crush resurfacing?- and then I felt guilty for being annoyed. “Thanks, Mike.”

We made identifications and jokes about the bone through the rest of class, and then it was off to Literature, which I had with Angela. She wasn’t as talkative as Mike, but she was far more perceptive- that said, if Mike was feeling perceptive enough to make a kind statement about missing me, I was almost certain that similar words from Angela would send me over the edge. But she was clever, not bringing up my lapse from reality, instead partnering with me to complete a packet about The Great Gatsby and commenting minimally on my personal life. I liked Angela.

After the bell rang, I asked, “Angela, we have the test on Monday…”

She looked at me, cocking her head, eyes confused. 

My throat went dry. “I was wondering, um, if you wanted to study? On Sunday afternoon?”

She broke into a smile. “That would be awesome, Bella.”

I smiled nervously. “Great. Um, I’ll call you Sunday morning, and we can work out times and stuff.”

“Sounds good,” she agreed emphatically. I waved goodbye and walked out to my car, feeling proud of myself. I could do this. I was doing better for Charlie. I’d done a lot today, I thought. Baby steps.

When I got into my car, it started at the usual maximum volume, and I decided to stop at the grocery store before heading home. I went in, got all of the non-perishables that I’d run us down on, and came back out, setting the cans in the passengers seat and frowning as I turned the key. No earsplitting rumble, no vibrating car. I got out and opened the hood, as if I could diagnose the issue. Nothing was smoking. I poked at what I thought was maybe the timing belt? Ugh. I knew embarrassingly little about cars.

“Bella Swan?”

I turned around, blinking in confusion at the man standing behind me. Then recognition set in. “ _ Jacob? _ ” I asked incredulously. 

Jacob Black grinned at me. “How’ve you been??” He asked. He had grown about a foot since the last time I saw him, and he certainly didn’t look sixteen, as he must have been by now. He had muscles and a sharp jawline, and his trademark long hair. 

“Fine- what are you doing here?”

He held up his bag from the Chinese takeout across the parking lot. “I noticed you were having car troubles- need a jump?”

“I don’t know- I have no clue about anything cars,” I admitted ruefully, staring at the engine. “I was just thinking this morning that I’ve kind of neglected this thing.”

“Well, I’ve got cables in my dad’s truck,” Jacob offered. “And if it doesn’t start up, we can tow it to the reservation and check it out there.”

As fate would have it, cables did  _ not  _ reanimate my truck, and ten minutes later, I found myself driving out to La Push in Billy Black’s tow truck, chatting with Jacob as if I hadn’t gone AWOL for the last four months. 

“This is one hell of a growth spurt,” I commented as he steered around a curve in the road. He laughed sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Yeah… you’re still as remarkably short as I remember.”

“I’m five-four!” I protested. “I’m average!”

“Okay, midget,” Jacob pacified, sticking out his tongue in response to my frown. He pulled up to his house, shutting off the truck and getting out to unhitch mine. 

“Can I use your phone?” I asked as I climbed out of the truck onto the gravel driveway, suddenly remembering this morning’s promise. “I said I’d call Charlie, and there’s no cell service up here.”

“Go ahead; Dad’s inside,” Jacob called from the other side of the truck.

I crossed the yard to the front of the house, opening the peeling blue front door with a light knock. “Hi, Mr. Black,” I said, walking hesitantly inside. He glanced up from the book he was perusing in the corner, frozen behind his reading glasses. “Bella,” he greeted despite his evident surprise. 

I shoved my hands uncomfortably into my pockets. “Umm… Jake said I could use the phone. Gotta call Charlie.”

“Mm? Go ahead,” he said. “In the den.”

“Thanks,” I said, turning to the room he’d nodded at. I picked up the phone- a red rotary, older than me- and dialed Charlie. He picked up on the third ring. “Hello?” He asked. 

“Hey, Dad,” I said. “I told you I’d call if plans changed.”

“Why aren’t you on your cell? Where are you calling from?”

“I’m at the Blacks in La Push- there’s no service up here. I went to the grocery and my truck wouldn’t start, but Jacob was there, and he towed it up here. I think I’m gonna stay and help him work on it,” I told him, the plan formulating in my head even as I spoke. 

Charlie’s surprise was communicated through the shocked silence. “Also, I’m going to Angela’s to study on Sunday,” I said. “Okay. That’s all. Bye.”

“Bye,” Charlie said, dumbfounded, and I hung up.

“Everything good?” Billy asked in what I decided was forced disinterest as I walked back towards the garage. 

“Yup, just checking in,” I replied. “You never know what’s out there. He just wants to make sure I’m not eaten by one of those giant wolves.” Wow. I was cracking jokes.

Billy’s knuckles whitened around his book. “You mean the bears?” He asked lightly, and I swore that beads of sweat had appeared on his forehead. 

“Dad, did Bella- oh, hey,” Jacob broke in, the door groaning as he leaned on it. “Come on, we’ll fix your car up.”

Grateful to get away from Billy’s sudden intensity, I followed him out to the garage. Loudly, so that whoever the comment was directed at could hear, Jacob said, “A couple of my friends stopped by and WON’T LEAVE, even though I asked them to. Bella, meet Embry, Seth, and Quil.”

Three boys stopped laughing in the garage and turned to wave at me. They looked to be about Jacob’s age- they’d even had the same growth spurt, I guessed. What genes were on this reservation?

“Hey, aren’t you-“ Quil began, but Seth elbowed him in the gut at a meaningful glower from Jacob. I rolled my eyes. 

“I’m here because I don’t understand cars, and Jacob here says that he can help me out.”

Seth’s eyes grew huge as he stared at my truck. “That’s yours?”

“Yeah,” I said. Embry gave it an appreciative once over. Too appreciative. “Hey, stop eye-fucking my car.”

He shrugged, unapologetic. “Thing’s beggin’ for it.”

Jacob had already popped the hood and was bent over the engine, looking for whatever he knew to see. He sat up with a grim nod. “Okay. I found the problem.”

“What is it?” I asked. 

“One, you need a new battery. Two, your engine is about a hundred miles away from dying. I think you need a new one.”

My heart sank in my chest. Batteries were expensive enough, but a new engine on top of that? It might be worth it just to get a new car. 

“I can rebuild it,” Jacob offered. “For a price.”

“How much?” 

“Not money,” he said. “But you have to come hang out with me while I work on it- between these three knuckleheads, I’m dying for some intelligent conversation. Also, I don’t understand algebra 2, and some tutoring wouldn’t hurt.”

“Your price is friendship?” I clarified. He flushed. “When you say it like that it sounds stupid.”

“Nah, I think I can do that,” I said. “But you’re cutting yourself short, Black, that price isn’t very high at all. So where do we start?”

The auto store was closed, but there was still plenty to do before we could go start getting parts, such as checking to see which parts were salvagable. Jacob got to work with a drill and a mask, either tossing parts into a trash pile or setting them gingerly on his work desk. The trash pile grew larger and larger- I only recognized one or two of the pieces that were deemed worthy of a second chance. Quil, Embry, and Seth found three vaguely gun-shaped objects and pretended to have a shootout, then decided that the pieces were also vaguely phallic, and it was at that point that Jacob threw his mask down and said, “Okay, time for math homework.” His friends grumbled and dispersed. 

He grabbed his backpack from Billy’s truck, but we stayed in the garage, sitting in the bed of my truck. I liked it in here- it was remarkably cozy, and it smelled like oil and leather. Jacob opened a binder and a textbook, and I started talking my way through absolute value inequalities, and how to graph them. After thirty minutes and the ten assigned practice problems, Jacob felt better about the theory, and I felt good that I’d helped, even though he’d done most of the work. 

Jacob swung his legs over the edge of the truck bed, staring down the path where Embry, Quil, and Seth had departed. “Have you met Sam Uley?” He asked abruptly. 

“Yeah, once,” I said, not wanting to provide more information as to the details of our meeting. “Why?”

“He seem… off, to you?” Jacob asked, twisting to see my face as I replied. 

I shook my head. “No. He seemed nice- why, did he do something?”

Jacob sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. Lately, he and Jared and Paul have been- well, they’ve been assholes to everyone. I don’t get it, but it’s driving me crazy, and I’m gonna find out why. If he’s doing anything illegal, I’m gonna get to the bottom of it.”

“If he’s doing anything illegal, you’re going to call me, and I will send my chief of police father to your aid,” I corrected, stomping down the truck bed to sit next to him, tucking my feet up under me criss cross. Jacob shrugged. We sat in silence for a moment, lazily observing the late afternoon and the sounds of the ocean crashing on the cliffs. All of a sudden, Jacob sat up. “You need a ride home?” He asked. 

I patted my truck. “Unless this’ll run without an engine, yes please.”

The drive home consisted of Jacob poking fun at my height and babyface, and me insisting that my additional two years of age made me the supreme, wise elder in our friendship. I could hardly believe that just this morning, Charlie had been threatening to send me back to Jacksonville. Today, I’d  _ felt  _ for the first time since he’d left. 

I liked it a lot. 

Jacob pulled his truck into my driveway, parking next to Charlie’s squad car. “Mind if I come in and say hi? Explain why you aren’t driving your own car?”

I shrugged, pleased to imagine what Charlie’s face would look like when I came home with a friend. “I think I could manage that last bit on my own, Jake, but sure, he’d love to see you.”

The motion activated lawn lights flickered to life as we walked to the front door. Through the living room window, I could see Charlie watching a baseball game. I batted away a moth that was fluttering around the porch light and pushed the door open, calling, “Charlie, I’m home. Jacob’s here.”

Charlie had initially acknowledged my words with a grunt of a reply and a wave of his hand, but at my addition, he stood up out of his recliner and paused the TV. “Jacob!” He said in pleasant surprise. “Bella had said she was with you- wait, I didn’t hear you pull up.”

“That’s ‘cause we took my car,” Jacob said. “Bella’s engine quit at the Food and Stuff, so I towed it back to my garage. I’m gonna rebuild it.”

Charlie’s face fell, and I could see him doing the same mental math that I had- we couldn’t afford it. Jacob hurried on to say, “No charge, but Bella’s agreed to keep me company while I work, and help with my math homework.”

Processing this, Charlie nodded. “Oh. That’s… that’s great.”

They chatted for a little while longer about happenings that I was oblivious to, and then Jacob was gone, and I was alone with my dad. He was looking at me in confusion, awe… maybe a little pride. I turned pink under his stare. 

“I should have threatened to ship you off sooner,” is all he said before giving me a gruff hug and returning to the game. 


	8. I Make Several Mistakes in Quick Succession

I spent more and more of my time with Jacob. I went out with Angela and Jessica multiple times over the course of February, but by the time March came around, I’d never gone more than 48 hours without seeing Jacob. I knew, subconsciously, that it was unhealthy to latch on to any one person this much- I could see now that that’s what I had done with  _ him-  _ but I couldn’t help it. He got me better than anyone else. I’d started by trying that February morning, and by the end of the day, I was laughing again, because of him. I had tried, yes, but my successes were multiplied by him. 

My truck’s engine was rebuilt in about two weeks, but when I was ready to bring it home, Jacob noticed the dissolving upholstery, and decided that driving with seats in such conditions was a safety hazard, and that they needed to be fixed. A week after that, and the rusty exterior was ‘a distraction to other drivers’. Now, as the sun set on the first day of March, I rubbed wax in small circles over the dark crimson paint job, while Jacob worked on the engine of his Rabbit. At seven, my truck was fully covered and shining like a star, so Jacob suggested that I have dinner and spend the night- wouldn’t want to hit a deer on the new thing’s maiden voyage. Of course, he was right, so we went inside to heat up frozen pizzas and watch TV. 

Twenty minutes and a debate on soft versus hard crust later, I sat on the sofa with a large plate balanced on my lap. Jacob sat down next to me and I readjusted my legs to keep the pizza from sliding off and on to the floor. 

“What do you want to watch?” He asked, taking a slice in on hand and the remote in the other. 

“Anything’s fine, I don’t really care,” I said. Jacob found a channel playing an  _ I Love Lucy  _ marathon, and, satisfied with his choice, settled back into the cushions. We ate in silence, and Jacob set the plate on the coffee table before turning to me and saying, “Can I ask you something?”

“Go for it,” I said, wiping my greasy fingers on my wax-stained work jeans. 

Jacob hesitated, face all angles thanks to the harsh black and white illumination from the TV, then said, “Why did the Cullens really leave?”

I inhaled slowly and reached behind me to grab the blanket that was hung over the back of the couch, yanking it into my lap and surreptitiously arranging it over my legs. Finally, I spoke. “Edw- he told me that Carlisle’s cover was weak, because he couldn’t pass for thirty three much longer. And the reason that I couldn’t come with him is because I’m too… alive,” I said with a dry scoff. Jacob didn’t laugh, though, instead looking intently at me, and under his scrutiny, my scorn quickly made way for misery. 

“I wasn’t enough for him,” I whispered numbly, knuckles whitening around the blanket. Anguish was clumping up my throat, and I couldn’t breathe, but I was angry and sad at the same time, and all of a sudden, I was bawling. “I wish he was  _ here, _ ” I moaned, throwing myself onto Jacob and holding on tight. 

“I know you miss him,” Jake murmured into my hair, rubbing his hands up and down my shoulders as I shook into him. “I know- I know.”

My chest felt hollow, and I shook my head even as he spoke. “I don’t- I  _ do _ \- but I’m  _ mad  _ at him, at the same time,” I said, pushing myself away slightly, putting my hands on Jacob’s chest to stare intently at him. “Did I tell you- what he told me, before he left?”

Jacob shook his head, black eyes growing cold.

“He told me-” I hiccuped “-that I was a fling. That I was weak, that I- that I was a temporary distraction, and that he didn’t want me to come with them. He lied this whole time. Every time he said he loved me, he was lying.” I swallowed. “I hate lying. I hate being lied to. But what I hate most of all is that I was  _ stupid  _ enough to  _ believe  _ him! How could  _ he  _ love  _ me _ , Jake?? Look at me! I’m- I’m plain, I’m breakable, I’m  _ human _ .” I said the word exactly the same way Edward had-

I hadn’t thought his name in weeks. A low moan started in my throat, and I buried my face in my hands. 

“Ohh, Bells,” Jacob murmured, prying my hands away and effectively forcing me to look at him. I stared at him, lip wavering, for a heartbeat, deciding, weighing my options-- and then I leaned forward and kissed him, hard. He offered no resistance, wrapping his arms instinctively around my waist and holding me tight. His lips worked hard against mine, with less resistance than Edward had ever shown, with hunger and  _ need- _

But it only lasted a split second, because after the initial response, he smiled and broke the kiss, bringing his hands up to my shoulders and holding me at arm’s length. I frowned, my fingers twitching to wind through his hair, but he wouldn’t look at me. He kept smiling, now at his lap, taking a deep breath and a moment to compose himself. “You’re gonna be the death of me,” he sighed. “Bella, you have… literally no idea, how long I’ve wanted to do that, but I can’t. It wouldn’t be right. Not while you’re… like this.”

My frown melted into a pout. “But I want you,” I whispered, and he let me caress his cheek for a moment before he winced and pulled away. 

“No,” he decided. “You don’t. You want  _ this _ , but not from me. And I- I can’t do that for you. It’s probably about the only thing I won’t do for you. It’s not right, and I- I won’t. It isn’t fair to you. Or to me either, really.” 

I swallowed. I hated the truth, but he was right. “Jacob, I’m so sorry.”

“S’okay,” he replied simply. “You’re hurt, is all. You need a friend, and not to brag, but I’m, like, the best. C’mere.”

I slid off of his lap onto the couch next to him and leaned into his side, his arm over my shoulders. I sighed and nestled into him as Lucille Ball got increasingly intoxicated on Vitameatavegamin. 

“I’m sorry he lied to you,” Jacob said to the TV. I glanced up at him, but his eyes were firmly fixed on the screen. “I… you deserve better. Someone who won’t do that.”

Mute, I nodded, settling my head back onto his shoulder. He kept going. “But you aren’t stupid, though. You know you’re not.”

“I know,” I said. “But I am- kind of.”

“How do you mean?” He said. “By still driving a truck older than your dad that hasn’t had a tune up since before you were born?”

“Okay, in two ways, then,” I said, giving him a chuckle. “That, and… after all of this, after… after everything he did… if he came back tomorrow, I’d run to him. If he called me tonight and told me that he was in New York, I’d be on the next plane, no questions asked. I’m stupid because after everything, I’m still…  _ so _ in love with him, Jake.”

He let his head flop to rest on top of mine. “I know,” he said again, even though he didn’t. I wanted to apologize again for kissing him, but I felt that bringing it up would just make it worse, so I kept my mouth shut and my eyes on the screen.

*****

I can’t say when exactly I fell asleep, but I woke up in the morning curled up on the Black family couch with a pillow under my head and a blanket over my shoulders. I sat up, looking at the clock- it was six in the morning. I couldn’t exactly drive home without waking up the whole reservation- all of Jacob’s efforts had not quieted my truck’s roar- so I decided I’d make a pot of coffee and wait for Jacob to wake up. He didn’t come out, though- I heard tossing and turning in his room, then Billy’s chair, then a closed door, and Billy coming out to me. 

“Morning, Billy,” I said. “Coffee?”

“Hey, Bella,” he said. “Jacob’s sick.”

My face fell. “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine, but I think you should hurry home before you catch something,” Billy said, rolling over to the coffee pot and pouring himself a cup.

“Are you sure I can’t stay and help?” I asked, peering around the kitchen to Jacob’s closed door.

“No,” Billy sighed, “He said he doesn’t want you to see him. Green, sweaty, feverish, the like. No, you go home, and he’ll call you when he’s feeling better. Bring that mug with you, I don’t mind, just bring it on back next time you come up.”

“Oh- okay, then,” I said, too puzzled to protest. “Thanks for everything.”

“Always a pleasure,” Billy replied, ushering me out the door. There I was, outside at six fifteen in the morning, with a cup of coffee and bedhead.

I looked at the cliffs down the coast, where Jake and I had seen Sam Uley and his friends cliff diving, and I grinned. I wasn’t going to jump off of a cliff or anything, but it would be a perfect view to watch the sunrise.

My truck rumbled along the road, and I sipped at the black coffee in the green tin camping mug. I was extra careful- I’d hate to spill on the new upholstery. I’d found a whole load of unused fawn-colored leather in the back of the auto shop, and I’d gotten a huge bargain on it- $300 for the whole thing, enough to redo all of the seats in my car. Jake and I had enlisted the Clearwaters to help trace the patterns and sew, which had been nice until Leah ran the needle into her finger and yelled “FUCK” loud enough to make Seth tear up. 

The sky was glowing, now- Jacob’s rebuild of the engine meant that my old car was able to get to eighty miles per hour now, and I was utilizing it, racing the sun so that I could better see it. I parked a couple hundred yards back, leaving the coffee in a cupholder and running to the lower cliff, huffing as I inched along the side nearest the wall of earth. I sat down with my back securely against the cliff, my feet barely reaching the edge, and sighed with content as I watched the sun just begin to peek over the horizon. I inched forward, sitting with my feet swinging off of the edge, the water calmly lapping at the cliff face fifty feet below me. Despite this, the most dangerous think I’d done in months, I felt an odd sense of calm. I wished I’d brought my coffee- it was still winter by all definitions, and my fingers and nose were already red and going numb.

_ And just what the hell are you doing? _

I flinched so violently that I almost fell off of the cliff. That was the clearest I’d heard his voice since he left. 

_ I said nothing reckless, and this is what you do? _

I wanted to cry. I looked around. Where was he? Why couldn’t I see him? I wanted to go to him.

_ You start spending all of your time with werewolves, and, and sitting on cliffs! Alice can’t even see you anymore! _

I was frozen. Werewolves? Alice’s abilities impaired? Edward talking to me as if through a mental megaphone? I choked on air as I realized what was happening. 

I was losing my mind. 

I thought I’d been doing so much better. I was happier these days. But here his voice was, clear as day, as though he was sitting next to me. 

I swatted suspiciously at the air beside me. Nothing. 

Testing my theory, I stood up, toes on the edge of the cliff. The voice swelled with panic.  _ Isabella Swan, don’t you dare. Turn around and go back to your car. _

God, it sounded  _ just like him. _

I stuck one foot over the edge. The voice hissed in what sounded like physical pain.

_ Bella, I swear to any god that’s up there… _

A smile that some might mistake for a grimace twisted across my face. I brought my foot back to the ground, and the voice sighed in relief, but it was my turn to talk.

“You think you have a hold on me?” I shouted into the morning winds. I shouted at the sun, I shouted at the surf- in that moment, I cursed the world. “You think I care about your fucking promises? I don’t owe you anything! You lied to me! You left me broken in the woods to die!”

The voice was silent.

“Go to hell, Edward Cullen,” I said, and I stepped off the cliff.

As I whistled to the water, I heard an agonized wail, and then silence.

I tensed as I hit the water- it was freezing, much colder than I’d anticipated. I was tossed around for a little bit by the current, but just as I’d figured out which way was up, and headed for it, an arm wrapped around my waist and tugged me to the surface. I struggled against it, gasping as we broke through the surf, but the cold had leeched more energy from my muscles than I’d thought, and all of my feeble attempts to break free went unnoticed. I twisted around to see Sam Uley glaring at me. A second form popped up from under the water behind us, panic in his voice. “I can’t find her! I can’t- oh.” 

“Embry?” I spluttered. I craned my neck at Sam. “What are you  _ doing  _ here?” 

They stared at me. I heard a faint shout from the shore- a hundred yards away, Leah Clearwater was pacing like a caged animal. I could just hear her over the waves. “What the  _ hell  _ were you thinking? We saw you standing on the edge shouting like a crazy person, and then you jumped- were you trying to kill yourself?”

I attempted to push myself out of Sam’s grip once again to no avail. Besides, he was every bit as warm as I remembered, and in the freezing water, I wasn’t about to complain. My teeth were chattering like crazy, but I managed to say, “Y-y-you guys c-c-c-cliff d-dive all th-th-the time.”

Embry, next to us now, rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but we know what we’re doing. If you hit the water wrong, you can break your back- I’ve seen it.”

I swallowed. “Well, good thing I didn’t.”

Sam linked one arm around my waist and started breast-stroking back to shore. I attempted to help, but realized that I couldn’t move my legs with any degree of accuracy, and floated along like the deadweight I was. Leah was shouting at me from the shore, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying over the splash of water. As we got closer, I heard “-could have PARALYZED yourself, you stupid fuckin’ townie!”

“Leah, drop it, would you?” Sam barked at her, surprising me once more with how loud his voice was.

Leah glared at him. “Boss them around all you want, Sam, but I don’t answer to you.”

He glared back at her. She narrowed her eyes, offering no assistance as we approached the beach. Sam hauled me to my feet and I stumbled in the surf. I would have fallen back into the water if he hadn’t sighed and steadied me. “Honestly, Swan, did you never learn how to walk as a child?”

“In my d-d-defense, this is only the s-s-second time I’ve met you, and b-b-both times we’ve s-seen each other I’ve b-b-b-been decently emotionally c-c-compromised.”

He laughed dryly, in that sort of nose-exhale chuckle sort of way. Leah had stormed to her car and was returning with a blanket in one hand and a towel in the other. I accepted the towel gratefully, and when she deemed me dry enough, the blanket even moreso. 

Sam and Embry were shaking out their short hair in a very doglike fashion. Leah watched them- I couldn’t tell whether she was disgusted or jealous- but she scoffed and looked pointedly away. I bit my lip, then grabbed her arm as she turned to stalk back to her car. “Hey. Um. I’m sorry, for freaking you out.”

Her eyes softened a fraction of a degree. “S’okay, I guess,” she said, mollified. I watched as her gaze darted up to meet Sam’s as he walked up to us, and I mimicked her stony expression. Despite, as I’d said, Sam’s only interactions with me being rescue missions, the only things I’d heard about him secondhand were Jacob’s concerns of him being a bad influence on Embry, who certainly seemed less playful, less sixteen, than the first time I’d met him. I decided that Sam didn’t seem too bad, but I wasn’t going to take any chances.

Sam and Embry waved off my thanks and made some vague excuse about having to go, walking quickly up to the road and vanishing. Leah looked at me expectantly, and I said, “I left my car on top of the cliff.”

She sighed, unlocking her car with her keys. “Come on, I’ll take you up there. Can’t have you jumping off again.”

She had a gorgeous 1985 Jeep, but I was grateful that the doors were on as I slid into the passenger’s seat. A tiny disco ball hung from the rearview mirror. 

“Hold on,” Leah warned, and I nearly laughed when she turned the key and her car was louder than mine. 

“Can I just ask what you were thinking?” She said sternly as she turned left on the road. “Like, what prompted you to fling yourself into thirty degree water?”

I wrapped the blanket tighter around me, contemplating what to say. “I was thinking about my ex,” I said delicately. “One of- um- the last things he said to me, was, he asked me not to do anything reckless.” I bit my lip, glancing at her from the corner of my eyes to gauge her reaction. To my surprise, she laughed out loud and slapped the dashboard. 

“Son of a bitch!” She wheezed. “Are you serious?”

I nodded, an uncertain smile on my face.

Leah chuckled a little more to herself, then turned to park next to my truck. She stopped her Jeep, then twisted in her seat to look me in the eyes. “You just got a lot cooler in my book,” she informed me, her grin spread evenly across her features. 

“Thanks,” I stammered. “Um- thanks for the ride, too.”

She waved it off. “It’s no big. If you’d just throw the blanket in the back- thanks. Drive safe,” she said as I shut my door behind me, and I waved as she reversed back into the street. 

I got behind the wheel of my truck, turning on the car and letting the heaters warm up. I stared curiously at the horizon. Was I friends with Leah Clearwater now? The only conclusion I could reach was, ‘sort of’.

  
  



	9. Because a Clean Break was just Too Easy

When I got home at eight in the morning, Charlie had already left for work. I decided to call Angela and ask if she wanted to come work on our English homework- we’d moved on from Gatsby to Picture of Dorian Gray, and we’d been given a packet to fill out after we’d finished reading it. As much as I’d liked the book, I didn’t want to sit at home alone today, because I was worried that if I  _ did _ , I’d do something else stupid to hear his voice again. The memory of it sent goosebumps down my arms and wrenched my gut horribly. It was as though he had been there. Just beyond my reach.

Angela agreed to come over at ten, so I took a shower and put on a sweater and jeans, then made myself some toast. I was putting my plate in the sink when her short and simple knock landed on the door. 

“Come in!” I called over the sputtering faucet. 

Angela stormed in with the grumpiest expression I’d ever seen on her face, sitting heavily on the sofa with her arms crossed. I leaned over the counter and looked at her sympathetically. “You hadn’t read it before, had you?” I asked.

“What the fuck!” She exploded angrily, waving her hands for emphasis. “I mean, what the actual, genuine fuck?!”

She dug in her backpack like a madwoman, yanking the book out and slamming it down on the coffee table, then crossed her arms and threw her back into the cushions, glaring at it. “Oscar Wilde is a two faced bastard,” she spat. I laughed. Of course it would take a gay man’s thriller novel to get Angela this worked up. 

Since both of us had read the book, it didn’t take long for us to complete the packet- it was only two pages, give or take, but it was only eleven when we put the school books away, and I didn’t want to be left alone, so I suggested we have lunch. Angela made no argument, so we slapped together some sandwiches and went up to my room. Her eyes ran down my bookshelf, and they lit up when she spotted my Harry Potter collection. “You read Half Blood Prince?” She asked, thrilled. I nodded with a smile- it had come out that summer, and I’d gone to Seattle to get it the day it was released. Why hadn’t we talked about it?

Oh. September.

“Ben’s the only person in our friend group who’s even read the books- Jessica and Lauren think they’re weird, Tyler and Eric think they’re lame, and I think Mike’s parents have banned witchcraft from the house in all forms. What house are you?”

“Hufflepuff,” I said. “Like Cedric.”

“Cedric wasn’t the only Hufflepuff,” Angela countered. I shrugged. “Most important one, though.”

Angela sat back, taking a thoughtful bite of sandwich. “I’ll give you that. I’m a Ravenclaw. Ben thinks he’s a Slytherin, but he’s not, I just know it.”

“Slytherin doesn’t necessarily mean evil,” I reasoned, but Angela was off, vibrantly explaining her psychoanalysis of her boyfriend in a well-informed, factually supported, totally Angela manner. She’d concluded that he was a Gryffindor, but of the Neville Longbottom variety. I nodded along- who was I to deny her?

“God, I’ve missed talking to you,” Angela sighed suddenly, setting her plate on my bedside table and falling across my mattress. “Jessica’s nice, and don’t get me wrong, I  _ love  _ Ben, but- I missed my best friend, you know?” 

I swallowed the unexpected wave of emotion that surged up at her words. When I came to think of it, before September… yeah, Angela had been my best human friend. “I’m sorry I… bailed, on you, like that,” I said softly.

She sat back up, holding my hands and staring intently into my eyes. “Bella, I- I wanted to ask, because we were all worried, I think. Mike and Eric were jealous, but me and Ben, anyway- did Edward ever hurt you?"

I couldn’t decide whether to start laughing or crying. “I think my manic depressive episode kind of answers that for you, don’t you think?” I said after a moment. 

Angela shook her head. “No, I know that his leaving was monumental, and I’m sorry about the emotional turmoil it caused you- but before he left. Sometimes we’d talk about going out, you know, and then he’d show up all possessive. We were worried that he wasn’t letting you do things, that he was limiting your access to friends, because Ben looked it up, and like, seven different times, you two ticked off a box on the Abusive Relationships checklist.” She bit her lip, gauging my shocked reaction, before pressing on more delicately.

“Obviously, I was wrong,” she said slowly. “And I’m sorry if bringing this up… is shaking you. I think I should have seen by the way you shut down when he left that what you had was genuine. It just seemed really intense for high school, and I was worried about you. Like I said.”

I exhaled, my brow furrowed thoughtful as I tried to piece together a response. My mouth opened, and I couldn’t seem to string words into a sentence, so I closed it. Then I figured out how to make the words go like I wanted them to, and I said, “I can see… now that you’ve said it, I can see how what we have looked… dangerous. And if I’m being totally honest, it is, but… not in the way you think. And I can’t explain more than that, and I wish I could. But… thanks for looking out for me.”

“Have you been talking with him?” Angela asked.

“What? No, he- he hasn’t called. And I don’t have a number to reach him at, anyway…” my voice trailed off. Angela’s became apologetic.   
“Sorry,” she said. “But you were talking in the present tense, so I assumed… sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I told her. “I haven’t really- I haven’t talked about this. About Edward.”

Hearing it in my voice sounded strange, after all this time. Saying his name was acknowledging him, the past, the pain. I wasn’t sure if it was good. 

Angela nodded along, as if to encourage me to say more, but I was lost in thought. I found myself on the edge of another cliff, this one mental. Where I stood was safe. Where I stood was ignoring him, ignoring everything, ignoring the venom in his voice when he’d told me I was worthless and ignoring the dull agony I’d felt every day since. Where I stood was enduring the muted pain until I couldn’t stand it. I could stand on this cliff forever. I had learned to live with the agony until it had faded into discomfort, and this discomfort? I could live with it for the rest of my life. But jumping...

Jumping was to face it and move on.

“You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to,” Angela said, her voice tentative. “But if you ever need to talk, I’m here.”

Her cell phone buzzed, causing both of us to startle. “Shit,” she said. “My mom’s texting- I need to go watch the twins.” She glanced at me guiltily, clearing torn over leaving me in the state she had caused. 

I backed away from the cliff. Just a step. And I smiled at Angela.

“It’s okay- don’t worry about it, seriously,” I said, standing up and taking our plates. She led the way down the stairs, already promising me another study date, which I would gladly take. I waved her out the door, watching through the window as she hurried to her car and drove off. My smile fell as soon as her car was out of sight, and I frowned my way to the kitchen sink and then back up the stairs, my mind fixed on the churning waters a hundred feet below my psyche.

I froze, though, in the doorway to my room. Something had changed. There was a strange scent- it was faint, but it was there- and I realized what was out of place. There was a cell phone on my bed. Angela must have left hers, I reasoned, but when I picked it up, my confusion deepened- this phone wasn’t hers. Angela had one of the new iPhones, and this was a Nokia. Curiosity burning, I turned it on. 

Someone must have hacked this thing, because it had exactly one thing on it- a single phone number, and the ability to call it or delete the number. I gnawed at my cheek, contemplating, before dialing the number and bringing the phone to my ear.

They answered on the third ring. I heard absolutely nothing from the other end. “Hello?” I prompted.

“Bella, it’s Alice.”

The wind was knocked out of me with those three simple words. I found myself back on my cliff, standing on tiptoe at the edge. “Alice,” I breathed. “It’s so good to hear your voice- I miss you so much. How did you get this phone here?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she said, uncharacteristically dry. “Listen, Bella, I don’t know what you’re doing, but…” her voice softened a degree. “It’s good to hear your voice too.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, sitting on my bed because I wasn’t certain that my legs would support me much longer. I had so many questions- where were they, actually, because there was no way those diamond-skinned emos had gone to sunny Los Angeles, were they well, why was she even calling if the family had deemed me replaceable and human, and-

Oh. That thought was new. I frowned off of my mental cliff- had the water risen, or had the cliff sunk? The turmoil was closer, and I took another step back from the edge. Instead of asking my questions, I held my tongue.

Alice’s breathy voice sighed from the other end. “I don’t know what you did, but I can’t read your future anymore, Bella. I saw you jump off of that cliff this morning, and I  _ didn’t see you come up _ . I got scared, and I came to Forks to make sure you were all right, but your friend was there, and I didn’t want to make a scene, so-”

“You were  _ here _ ??” I whispered. I could hear my blood in my ears, and my chest felt hollow. It felt like September; there was no other way to describe it. 

“Yes,” Alice replied, unapologetic. 

“And you didn’t- stay to talk to me?” I clarified, my voice still faint. My breathing was heavier now- I could feel the anger in my gut, the waves crashing more insistently against the cliff. More tantalizingly. 

“I didn’t want to make things harder for you.”

“Make things harder- Alice,  _ everything  _ is harder with you gone. With him gone. I can’t- I can’t-” I took a deep breath, running my free hand through my hair. 

Why couldn’t she understand that when her family had left, so had my life?

Why had I let one person become my entire existence?

It sounded romantic to think about, all loyal and ‘you’re the only one’ and all of that, but when I stepped back and evaluated how negatively my life had been impacted, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d partially brought it on myself. I loved Edward. Of that I had no doubt. But I was mad. 

I was mad, and hurt, and confused, and insecure, and I  _ missed  _ him horribly, which made all of the previous emotions that much harder. 

“Jacob and his friends jump off of cliffs all the time,” I said finally. “I just wanted to try something new.”

“Jacob who? Wait- Jacob  _ Black? _ ”

“Don’t say his name like that, Alice.  _ Jacob Black  _ has never told me he never loved me and then abandoned me.” I cringed- had I said that as though Jacob were a rebound boyfriend? 

Alice didn’t reply. I worried that I’d scared her off of the phone, but then, after a pause, she said, “We all wanted the best for you. We had hoped you would see it with time.”

I wanted to jump. I wanted to  _ feel _ . I wanted to confront, to shout, and then to listen, to understand. But what I was already feeling was so vast, so tremulous- I feared that if I jumped, I would be swept away in the thunderous current of my own emotions, and I might not resurface. As coldly as I could muster, I said, “I think I’m cognizant enough to decide for myself what the best is, thanks.”

Alice’s voice softened with something like pity. “Look, Bella. I’m sorry, I am. But shouldn’t this call show you that I, at least, still care about you? I want you to have some self preservation.”

I wanted to shoot back with something witty. I wanted to make her understand. But I’d tried to talk to Renee when she had her head in the clouds, and I’d lived with her enough to know when someone was just not in the headspace to listen to someone else. So, in barely more than a whimper, I said, “Alice?”

“Yes?”

“Is he coming back?”

“No, Bella, I think he made that clear,” Alice said softly. 

My heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach. “Oh,” I said. 

“I’m sorry, Bella,” she said again, and she sounded like she meant it. “Just- take care of yourself, okay?”

I held onto the phone with both hands like it was a lifeline. It was a lifeline, I take it back- it was the only connection I had to them. “Alice-” I started to say, but the phone beeped pleasantly, and to my dismay, she’d hung up. 

Earlier in the day, I had been worried that if I was alone, I would do something dangerous to hear Edward’s voice. Now I was alone. I was emotionally compromised. 

But I had returned to the state of not wanting to feel anything at all. 

  
  
  
  



	10. What a Stupid Lamb

To my immense surprise, when I woke up at 5 in the evening- I must have fallen asleep clutching the phone, hoping Alice would call back- I felt better. One afternoon had achieved what months of zombification could not. 

I could hear Charlie moving downstairs, but I didn’t go just yet. Instead I sat on my bed, staring out the window. A part of me wondered if Alice had stood there, watching me as I found the phone, as I called her. Had she seen my face? Had she cared to stay?

The longer I thought about it, the longer I stood on my mental cliff, the clearer my answer became. I wanted to know. I wanted a full understanding of what had happened- why Edward had decided not to love me, the motivation for the Cullens leaving, why they were still checking up on me even though they supposedly didn’t care. It didn’t add up, and I wanted to know what I was missing. 

I knew that understanding would require I jump, and that I submerge myself in those battering emotions, but I found some calm in knowing that it would have two outcomes. The first, I would fight, I would grow weak, I would find my way to shore, and I would recover. 

The second, I would drown at sea.

Either way, the tumultuous emotions and uncertainty would stop. 

I went downstairs and ate with Charlie- he had found me asleep and ordered take-out, so I sat in the living room with him and watched baseball, then went right back to sleep. I wasn’t sure when I was going to jump, but I knew I was ready when the opportunity presented itself. That decision lent me a false sense of calm, and I slept soundly in my fictitious serenity. 

In the morning, Charlie didn’t head out until eleven. He was going fishing with his friends on La Push, and we had a slow morning, enjoying one another’s silent company over eggs and toast. He seemed happier, now that I was happier. As he left, I realized that my plan had worked. I had tried, and Charlie was doing better for it. 

Maybe Edward was right. I really have no sense of self preservation. Every action I’d taken in the last years had either been for a Cullen-Hale, for Jacob, or for Charlie. 

Well, except for jumping off of the cliff. That was all me.

Alone on a mild, slightly overcast afternoon, I decided I’d be better off outdoors than in, and with a start, I realized I knew exactly where to go. I followed the route exactly, parking my truck in the same awkward cutout in the road. I sat on the bed, laced up my hiking boots, and set off. 

It was a long walk to the clearing- longer than I’d anticipated. I’d been on Edward’s back the whole time during our last trip, and I was beginning to give up hope of ever finding it, but then I caught sight of it, and it was so glaringly obvious that I couldn’t believe I’d contemplated turning around. There, ahead of me. It was different than in the sunshine- subdued, somehow- but the same mystical clearing nevertheless. 

“Delightful, isn’t it?” A pleasant voice said.

A shudder ran down my spine. As clearly as though he were standing behind me in the clearing, Edward’s voice whispered,  _ Don’t move.  _

I wanted to follow the instruction of the voice in my ear (against my better judgement, I still trusted him, at least in these matters) but my body reacted instinctively, jumping and twisting around to face the voice. Laurent leaned against an oak on the far side of the clearing.

_ I should be screaming,  _ I realized, but the only emotion I could feel was  _ relief  _ coursing through my body. Even with everything that had happened in the last year, with Alice’s phone call yesterday, a part of me was terrified that Edward had intended to make good on his promise, and I would never be a part of this fantasy again. That my experiences with these strange, dangerous, ethereal people would be nothing but a fever dream. But here was Laurent, clear as day, as dazzling and handsome as he had been that day on the baseball field. 

I could have kissed him.

_ He is a  _ predator, I reminded myself fiercely, wrapping my arms around my middle and staring at him. He gave a cool smile and paced towards me. “Bella, how’ve you been?” He asked. “Still human, I see.”

“Yes, Edward was pretty adamant on that one,” I said, my voice shockingly light. In my head, the imaginary Edward was frantic, but he was doing his best to stay calm.  _ You have to stall him. As long as possible. _

_ _ “Where is he?” Laurent asked, glancing around. 

_ Lie to him. _

“He had to run back to the car,” I lied easily, forcing myself to roll my weight back onto one heel and stand in a relaxed posture. “No cell service out here.”

“Of course,” Laurent agreed, standing closer to me. His black dreadlocks were the only thing that moved, pushed away from his face by the breeze. His crimson eyes, impossibly bright against his dark skin, bored into mine. “And the rest of them? Their scent in this town is… staler, than I would have thought.”

“They’re in the mountains, hunting. They should get back tonight, actually.”  _ Touch me, and they’ll know. _

_ _ Smooth as ever, this did not phase Laurent, at least outwardly. He nodded as though my wild lies were common knowledge. “Of course,” he repeated. He inhaled sharply, giving me an appreciative once-over before turning on his heel and pacing around the clearing. 

“Do you remember my good friend Victoria, Bella?” He asked abruptly, stopping to run his fingers over some waxy-leaved shrub. I cocked my head. “Red hair, about yea high?” He prompted, holding his hand at what was a mockery of her height.

“I believe so,” I said coolly. 

Laurent beamed. “Excellent. So the issue is, Bella, when our dear James- you remember James-”

“How could I forget?”

His smile widened. “Yes. When your Edward decimated our James- well, really rather  _ her  _ James, I should say- that made her… very unhappy. She flew- how do you humans put it?- off the reservation. I haven’t seen her in months now, my girl, but she’s looking for  _ you,  _ and I thought it would be a horribly funny joke if I could find you first.”

“Victoria? Looking for  _ me _ ? What did I do?”

_ Stupid question,  _ mind Edward chided.  _ You said stall, I‘m stalling,  _ I countered.

Laurent waved his hands nonchalantly. “Well, if you could have just been tracked and killed like any other human, she’d still have James, wouldn’t she? But that was the issue, that was why James  _ wanted  _ you- you provided a challenge like no other.” Laurent sighed, pacing back to stand in front of me. “Evidently, a challenge he could not meet.”

“Your point is?” I asked, my tone dangerously curt. Laurent seemed to like it. 

“You’ve got spunk, to be a tiny human all alone with what goes bump in the night,” he mused.

I snorted. “You and I both know that your kind is too careful to bump anything at any time.”

He laughed at that, a full belly laugh. “I like you, Bella Swan.” He leaned in close, so suddenly that my breath caught in my throat. He inhaled deeply. “You smell absolutely divine,” he murmured against my neck. I looked down at him, paralyzed, as his gaze flickered up to mine. 

“Edward’s not gone to the car, has he?” Laurent said, in a way that made me certain that he knew the answer. He knew that Edward wasn’t here at all. Mute, I shook my head in confirmation. 

Laurent hummed, pulling away from my neck. “I could change you. For him. Here.” I stared at him, my brain moving too slow, too slow. 

Change me. For him. Here.

I found my breath. “You would do that for me?” 

He laughed again. “So unlike the rest of your kind. You would do that  _ for  _ me; you know, any other human would have said you would do that  _ to  _ me, but that’s why I think I like you so much, Bella. The veil’s been parted. You see this existence as it is- a blessing. A gift. I can give you that gift.”

_ Don’t trust him, he doesn’t mean it,  _ Edward pleaded. As much as I wanted to ignore it, I knew the voice was right. Laurent was just playing with his food. I didn’t trust anyone outside the Cullen family to turn me, because I had a sinking suspicion that once Laurent got his fangs into me, he would feast, and I’d be left, a dead, hopeful corpse in the middle of a once-magical clearing.

“I’m flattered by your offer,” I heard myself say, and I felt myself take a step away from him. “But I’m holding out. I think Edward would be hurt, if I let someone else do it. You’re invited to my first birthday party, though.”

“Charming,” Laurent mused. His teeth flashed as he spoke, and his eyes darkened. He copied my step, closing the distance. “Well, Bella, I really have to run, but I’m itching for a pick-me-up. This conversation was delightful, and I’ve enjoyed your company. There’s just one more thing you can do for me now.”

He bared his fangs and lunged. I was knocked to the ground- he had my wrists pinned down, his jaws inches from my exposed throat. At that instant, the trees exploded- something dark, furry, and larger than any grizzly bear I’d ever seen tackled Laurent and sent him sprawling on the other side of the clearing. Dazed, I scrambled to my feet, scampering to the far perimeter of trees and hugging a cedar to support myself.

_ Angela and the hikers were right,  _ I thought numbly. In my head, Edward’s voice was saying a string of words I’d only heard him say once before, from his car in Port Angeles. 

Five massive wolves stood, snarling, in the clearing. Four lined it, preventing an escape route, and one, the black one, stood in the center, hackles raised and snarling at Laurent. These were Clydesdales- these were  _ beasts.  _ Laurent, for his credit, promptly turned tail and fled. With a snap of his jaws, the black wolf and three others followed. 

The fifth and final wolf, a rust-brown one, larger than all of the others but the black, stalled, loping over to me and cocking its head curiously at me. Its eyes were familiar, intelligent. It whined, as if to ask if I was okay. My heart was in my throat- of course, this one had stayed for the easy kill. I would move, and it would attack, that giant mouth easily ripping through my torso. I sent a silent prayer, and the Edward in my head was icy as he said,  _ Stay. Where. You. Are. _

The wolf did not attack, though. It whimpered, kneading the ground, shrinking its shoulders as if… 

As if it didn’t want to scare me.

I stayed behind my tree, observing it as though it were another stray. “Aren’t you supposed to be with them?” I asked it, glancing after its pack. 

It whined again, clearly torn. Finally, after some more indecisive pacing, it gave me another intent stare, then tore off after its pack.

I stumbled forward and knelt on the ground where it had hared off. Its feet had scored into the earth, leaving six-inch deep claw marks.

The journey back to my truck was faster than my last one, given that I ran the entire distance.

*****

When I got home, I locked the door behind me and poured myself a glass of water. I drank the entire thing in one breath, gasped for air, and then had another. The icy burning in my throat gave me something else to dwell on, if just for a minute. 

Calmer now, I decided to take a shower. It would help me focus. As the hot water sputtered and burst forth from the pipes, I poured shampoo into my hand and started to think.

I needed to be more careful if the vampires were back. Laurent had found me easily, and if Victoria wasn’t far behind…

I was dead. 

If I could avoid that unfortunate end, though, how would I? Clearly, the vampires were scared of the giant wolves, but I didn’t know them. I couldn’t fathom why they hadn’t turned on  _ me _ , weaker, fleshier, bloodier as I was. 

But that red one hadn’t attacked. It had checked on me, then gone after the threat. It had  _ responded to my question. _

These things were  _ sentient. _

_ _ I exhaled heavily, leaning my head back and letting the water rinse the bubbles out of my hair. I squeezed the last of my conditioner into my palm, massaging it into the ends of my hair, a plan blooming in my mind.

If I could somehow devise a way to tell these things about Victoria… they might hunt her. If they understand, if they’re intelligent, then they would understand a threat to their territory. It was obvious that I, a human, was neither a threat nor prey. It was almost like they were protecting me.

Well. If they wanted to protect me, I would give them exactly what it is I needed protection from.

I wrapped my towel around my chest and went into my room to get clothes, then grimaced. I’d started laundry last night, but I’d left my stuff in the dryer. I had no underwear. Grumbling, I tucked the towel into itself and headed downstairs.

I promptly squealed when I saw Jacob in my living room.

“Hey, Bells- oh, shit, my bad. Should have knocked,” He said, immediately looking away. No color spread up his cheeks, though. He’d cut his hair. No trace of whatever sickness had crippled him yesterday remained. I opened my mouth, closed it, and opened it again. 

“You’re gonna go wait in my room. I’m gonna get dressed. I’ve had a very weird afternoon, and quite frankly, this is the least of my concerns. I’ll be up in five minutes.”

Jacob’s lips twitched into a smile. “Yes ma’am,” he said with a fake salute, heading towards the stairs while I ducked around him to the laundry room. 

I shut myself inside and shimmied into jeans and a hoodie, then bounded up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Jacob’s smile had faded, and he was sitting on the edge of my bed anxiously. 

“I have to ask you something,” we said at the same time. He chuckled. “You first, then.”

I bit my lip. “No, you,” I decided, sitting down next to him. I wanted to hear what he had to say, in case what I said came out absolutely whackjob crazy.

Jacob seemed to have similar hesitations. During his pause, I tried to lighten the mood. “What happened to your hair?” I asked, gesturing at the buzz cut. “You look like Sam fuckin’ Uley.”

His eyes darted guiltily to mine, and I inhaled sharply. “You didn’t.”

“Bella, I didn’t have a choice,” he began, but I stood up, temper flaring.

“He can’t just bully his way across the reservation! I’ll tell Billy, Jake, I swear I will.”

He ran a hand over his face. “Billy knows, Bells.”

I faltered. “Then why-”

“God, I can’t just  _ tell you _ , you have to work with me,” he said frantically. I stilled. “I’m ready.”

He took both of my wrists in one hand, waving the other emphatically to help him think. “Do you remember the story I told you about the cold ones last spring?”

I nodded.

“Do you remember… what the other focal point of that story was?”

I closed my eyes, trying to remember. “Umm… it was wolves, wasn’t it?”

Jacob nodded, relief melting across his face. “Yes.”

I gasped. “The giant wolves in the woods- do you guys raise them?”

He groaned, burying his face in his hands. “ _ No,  _ we don’t  _ raise them _ \- how to say it, how to put this…”

My mind was cloudy and confused. If they didn’t raise the wolves, why was Jacob so intent on telling me about them indirectly? I thought back to everything I knew about the Quileutes and wolves. Billy’s evasiveness when I brought up giant wolves… the way that Sam had instinctively ordered Leah, and the knowing way she’d snapped back… how Sam and Embry had shaken out their hair, like dogs- like wolves… the way, now, that Jacob couldn’t tell me this exactly… and the voice.  _ Alice can’t even hear you anymore… spending all of your time with werewolves. _

_ _ _ The red wolf in the clearing with the eyes that I just couldn’t place. _

“Werewolf,” I said softly, staring into the eyes that I would know anywhere. 

Jacob sighed, pleased I’d figured it out. “I didn’t get sick yesterday- it was  _ this.  _ This just… happened.”

“It’s okay, Jake,” I said, and to my surprise, it honestly was. “This is better. Jacob, was that- you? In the woods?” 

He nodded without meeting my eyes. “Sam chewed me out for staying back, but I had to make sure you were okay.”

“So Sam’s in it?”

“He’s the alpha. It’s him, me, Paul, Embry, and Jared. Seth is sick at home, so we know we’ve got one more on the way.”

My brows furrowed as I took this in. “So it’s not an angry gang, it’s… a tight knit pack?”

He nodded again. 

I blew a strand of wet hair out of my face. “That’s better than bullies, I guess.”

Jacob laughed loudly. “You’re a weird one. Then again, I guess you have experience in this arena. But seriously, you aren’t… scared, of me?”

I rolled my eyes. “If you’re gonna make me go through this whole thing, Jacob, I swear-”

He held his hands up. “Okay, okay- just checking. I just don’t want you to freak out.”

“So what’s it like?” I asked. “Full moon only?”

“At will,” he said. 

“There are five of you. Why so many?”

“The threat’s bigger than ever before, I guess.”

“But the C- the threat’s gone.”

“Tell that to the black-haired leech we saved you from,” Jacob snorted. “Which, by the way, Bella, what the  _ fuck _ ? Were you just gonna stand there and let him drain you?”

I crossed my arms. “What was I supposed to do, run? You know I wouldn’t have gotten more than five feet.”

“You could have at least tried,” Jacob grumbled. I considered this, then threw my arms around him. He was just as warm as Sam. He leaned back, surprised by the intensity of the hug, but reciprocated. 

“Jake, there’s another one, and she’s coming for me,” I whispered. He huffed, stunned, before his arms tightened around me. 

“Well, she won’t get you,” he said, determined. “I swear. I won’t let her.”

We stayed like that for a little while longer, before Jacob’s phone buzzed. He glanced at it. “Hey- Sam and Emily are having a picnic dinner for the pack, and then we’re having a bonfire. Do you want to come?”

“I’d love that,” I said gratefully. Anything to get my mind off of Victoria. And, I realized as I followed Jacob to my car, my shower prayers had been answered. 

I was protected. 

But all of a sudden, my safety didn’t seem like the most important thing anymore. 


	11. The I Word

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really short and mainly filler, but I’ve got the story finished, so bear with me!

Jacob hadn’t brought his car, so I drove us to the reservation, and we hung out in his garage and talked about various weird aspects of wolf-dom until it was time for the picnic to start. I hadn’t met the family of Jake’s pack, and I was curious to see what they’d look like.   
When the time came, Jake navigated me to a small, quaint house nestled against a cliff. It had a firepit and an abundance of chairs set up outside. I saw people moving inside the kitchen, and squinted to make out their faces.   
“That’s Emily,” Jacob explained, nodding to a woman with shiny black hair that extended to her lower back. Through the window, I could see her shoulders shake with laughter, but when she turned to say something to Sam, I gasped. “Her face- who did that to her?”  
Jake grimaced. “It’s a long story. Anyway, she’s Sam’s mate.”  
I wrinkled my nose. “That’s a nasty way to say girlfriend.”  
Jake sighed. “It’s different, with us,” he explained, and he was off, telling me about a process called imprinting. It happened with the wolves at any time, he explained, with anyone. Paul had imprinted on a boy from town named Liam Kane just yesterday. It was not, he emphasized, a bad alpha/omega fic on Wattpad, but rather, a fierce bond of loyalty. You can have crushes, even real relationships before you imprint, but once you meet the one, the past sort of… fades. His eyes got really wistful when he said that last part, though I couldn’t tell why.  
“I guess mate is an acceptable term, then,” I admitted. I eyed him suspiciously. “Have you imprinted on anyone?”  
He opened his mouth, then stared at me helplessly as Leah stalked into earshot, tossing her hair and sitting cross-legged on the bench, greeting Embry curtly as he came to join her.  
Oh.   
That was interesting.  
I looked at him, curiosity blazing in my eyes- from the way he’d described it, it was kind of a mutual thing, but Leah couldn’t be paying less attention to Jacob- but his eyes begged me to drop it, so I did.   
I sat next to Jacob all through the bonfire, listening to Billy’s ghost stories. Jacob kept me more entertained, whispering everything there was to know about Sam, Emily, and Leah’s complicated relationship.   
We walked back to where my car was parked by the Black’s house. Jacob leaned over me, pressing my door shut when I reached to open it. I looked at him, confused. “You okay, Jake?”  
“Bella, I’m worried she won’t love me back,” Jacob whispered. My heart cracked a little bit, seeing how broken and scared my best friend looked. “Emily and Sam were- instantaneously enamored. What if- what if Sam hurt Leah too bad for her to imprint back? I swear, Bella, I’ll kill him if that’s the case. I- I’ll do what I can, but I’m so scared.”  
I couldn’t do anything but wrap my arms around him, and he shrank into my embrace. I rubbed circles on his back, pressing him into me, wishing I could absorb his pain. “I know,” I murmured. “Shh.”  
“And,” Jacob choked, “if that isn’t enough, Sam wants me to lead the pack.”  
My soothing motions faltered on his shoulders. “What?”  
“He says- I’m the rightful Alpha, because of my grandfather and my authority will be better or something,” Jacob said miserably. “But I’ve been like this for all of two days! I don’t know- I don’t know- Bella, I can’t!”  
I stood back from him, contemplating. “Well, I’m not going to lecture anyone on being the person they’re supposed to be over the person they are, but I think he might be right, Jake.”  
He sniffed.  
“It’s been two days, and you’re already the same size as him, and I’d bet on you in a fight. Besides, you’ve seen the way they all look up to you- even Paul listens to what you have to say. And… don’t you think Leah will be a tiny bit happy to learn that Sam thinks you’re better than him? Won’t you be able to keep her safer as Alpha?”  
He nodded slowly, some clarity returning to his eyes.  
“Tell Sam you’re going to take it. Because if you don’t, you’ll regret it. I know you, Jacob, you won’t take this for yourself, but do it for them, because if you don’t, you might do something stupid, like break off and make your own pack. You will be a leader. Tell Sam he’s interim Alpha, that you need a couple of weeks to figure it out-”  
“-and then I’ll be ready,” Jacob murmured, warming up to the idea. “Besides, it’s not like- it’s not like he’s going anywhere. He can be my beta.”  
“Your deputy, your number two. He trusts you to make better choices. I trust you- they all will.”  
His bobbing head quickened. “You’re right. I can do this. I can, I just need to learn how.”  
He surprised me by scooping me up in a bear hug, twirling me around with my feet easily two feet off of the ground. “Thanks, Bells,” he told my neck.  
“I believe in you,” I told him simply. “You know I wouldn’t say all this stuff if I didn’t.”  
Jacob chuckled, putting me down. “That’s true- you’re particularly brutish and cold with the truth.”  
“Want me to take it back?” I threatened teasingly.   
He feigned horror and put his hands over his ears. “Go home, demon,” he said in fake disgust.  
I laughed as I got into my truck. “Bye, Jake. Call me if you need me.”  
He grinned, then glanced over his shoulder to where Leah still sat by the fire. I smiled at him. “Go get her, Alpha in training.”  
Then I pulled out before I could say something else mushy and embarrassing.


	12. Boss Battle

I waved out of my window as Jake jogged out of the woods, wrestling a black tee shirt over his head and shrugging a backpack onto his shoulders. He gave me a roguish salute before heading to the front of the house, and a moment later, I heard Charlie’s greeting as they crossed paths at the door. He was always delighted to see Jacob, and frankly, I couldn’t blame him. Hearing the squad car pull out, I cleared my homework off of my desk, stacking it neatly on my bookshelf as Jake knocked on my doorframe. “Heya,” he said, waltzing in and sitting in the kitchen chair that I’d brought upstairs. “I’m gonna rip my fucking brains out,” he commented in the tone of someone saying “Hey, the weather’s great today.”  
“That’s nice,” I replied. “What are we doing?”  
“Matrices,” he said in disgust. “When in the hell am I going to use this in my actual life?”  
“Think of it as a workout for your brain?” I suggested, scooting closer in my chair. “Like how you lift weights to be stronger in wolf form?”  
“Don’t patronize me,” Jake sighed dramatically. “Besides, we don’t even have to work out. Just drink-“ he stretched in contemplation “-ungodly amounts of protein shakes.”  
I rolled my eyes, reaching around him to pull the worksheet closer, and tapped my pencil on his head. “C’mon, focus. Finding the determinate of a matrix- tell me what you’ve got.”  
I worked him through the problems, wrenching him back to reality when he started to get distracted, but we finished the packet before eleven and Jake sighed as he put it away. “Thank God that’s over. Now for the real stuff.”  
“Real stuff?” I echoed.  
Jake nodded, glancing out the window. “The redheaded leech,” he said. “She’s still out here. She’s been leading the human cops east, but we can smell her. So far, we just keep chasing her up towards Canada, but she keeps coming back, and I don’t know how much longer we can hold her.”  
I swallowed, and the ever-present knot in my stomach tightened just a little bit. “Okay.”  
“It’s not, but go off,” Jake said. “Also, we… Embry found these.”  
He ruffled through his backpack and handed me a yellow envelope, gnawing at the inside of his cheek as he handed it to me. I pinched the metal tab back, and the paper crinkled as I removed four slips of paper- three photographs and a notebook sheet torn from a legal pad. In neat cursive, it said Sit. Stay. I’m getting her no matter what you do. The photographs-  
I swallowed again despite the fact that my mouth was bone dry.  
The photographs were of me and Charlie. In our house.  
Taken from inside our house.  
“Oh, God,” I whispered.  
Jake was looking at me, solemn. “It’s not safe for you here anymore,” he said gently.  
“Why were matrices more important than this?”  
“I wanted to be able to keep you calm!”  
“Calm- why should I be calm? There’s nowhere to run, it isn’t safe anywhere!”  
He scoffed. “Better trying to run for your life than sitting here like a caged rabbit!”  
I shook my head. “If I leave, it’ll only be for Charlie.”  
“You seriously don’t have any self preservation instincts, do you?”  
“No, not really.”  
Jake stood up suddenly, and I flinched as he stormed to the window and placed his hands on either side of the frame, his broad shoulders blocking out the majority of the light. He tapped the frame a couple of times, then slapped it, making the glass rattle as he swore and turned around. “Fuck it, Bells, I’m not letting you die! I won’t. You’re my best friend.”  
I stared at him. “If I die, she leaves,” I countered. He glared at me, clicking his tongue, and he opened his mouth as if he wanted to say more, but the trill of the phone came from the kitchen, cutting through the silence.  
I exchanged a glance with Jake, and we hustled down the stairs. With a huff of annoyance, I allowed him to push in front of me as we entered the living room. “Swan residence,” he said, picking up the phone and leaning against the wall. It’s Leah, he mouthed. He frowned as he listened. “That’s impossible,” he said, and then his breath hitched in, and his face contorted in pain. “Leah, I’m so sorry.”  
He stared at nothing, dark eyes twitching across my house without seeing. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m on my way. Stay safe.”  
He stared at me. “Well?” I prompted.  
“Leah shifted,” he said in shock. “And she- she said she doesn’t know why, but she has to see me. And. And her dad saw her shift. He had a heart attack, I- I have to go.”  
“Go,” I said. Worry for Leah was something we could both get behind. “I’ll call Charlie.”  
“What about-?”  
“I’ll be fine. She needs you.”  
Jake needed no further prompting. “I’ll come back,” he promised as he bolted out the door.  
I called Charlie and delivered the news, and as expected, he told me he was going to the reservation. He hung up with a dazed goodbye.  
I stood in the deafening silence of my house, tapping my foot to expel the restless compulsion I felt to do something. My thoughts turned to the vampires, then to the burner phone. I darted upstairs, fumbling through my desk drawer to retrieve the Nokia. I pressed call and held it to my ear, my breath rushing unnaturally loudly through my ears. Just as I thought she wasn’t going to answer, the line clicked. “Bella, I see it,” she said in a hurried sort of way. “You need to run.”  
“Run?” I said in confusion.  
“She’s decided to find you, she knows you’re alone- Bella, please,” Alice said. “I’m on the way, but you need to-“ static sliced through her demands. “-un.” I heard.  
I hung up, ran my hands through my hair, and looked out my window. A flash of red hair at the base of my tree made my heart stop, and I scrambled out of my room before I even knew what I was doing. Down the stairs, out the door- I was at the end of the driveway before I realized what a stupid plan this was. I bolted out into the street, not daring to look back, but then, all of a sudden, she was in front of me. I gasped, stumbling backwards, as she gave me a dark smile. “Bella Swan,” she mused. “I’ve been waiting a while for this.”  
I took more mute steps backwards, my heart pounding. Where could I go? Where could I run? My gaze bounced furtively around me, but Victoria and I both knew that no matter what I did, she would get me.  
She observed me with piercing ruby eyes through her dark lashes, her lips drawn into a triumphant smile. “After a year of-“  
She was cut off by a Mustang slamming into her, sending her flying a hundred yards down the street.  
“Get into the car!” He shouted, and as deja vu set in, I hurried to open the door and slide into the passenger seat.  
“Seatbelt,” he said as he put it in reverse.  
“Are you shitting me?” I shouted as he spun the car around and took off.  
“No. You’re delicate.”  
“Christ, dude, drive! We’ll talk when there’s not a murderous bitch on our tail.”  
I couldn’t even look at him. He kept glancing at me, I could feel it, but I was throbbing and I didn’t know with what. Relief that he was here, anger that he dared show his face, fear because of Victoria’s murderous face in the rearview. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to throw myself onto his lap and kiss him until I was gasping for air or throw open my door and tuck and roll into the woods.  
There was a thud on the roof of the car, and I didn’t even have time to scream before her fist shattered through the window and grabbed me by the throat. The jagged pieces of glass on the window’s edge cut at my legs as I was snatched from the safety of the car, and I felt Edward’s hand grab at my ankle in vain. I was choking, clawing at her iron grip as she hoisted me into the air at eighty miles an hour. Edward slammed on the brakes, but Victoria used the momentum to jump, and I screamed again as we landed in the woods, branches whipping and leaving tiny cuts on my arms and face that stung like hell. I heard Edward shout my name, then a “They went that way!” Victoria slung me over her shoulder and bolted. I stared at the blood pooling in my palm, and reached out to spread it on as many plants as possible, crying out as the leaves sliced at me, but I was determined. I would stay alive. I would stay alive.  
Victoria threw me down against a log, and I made a horrible noise as I felt my arm and a couple of ribs crack. I curled inward, groaning as she crouched beside me, brushing my hair out of my face with a touch I would have called gentle in any other circumstance.  
“I hope he finds you just as I suck the last drops of life out of you,” she murmured tenderly. “I think that’s the only way he’ll feel more anguish than I have. James and I hunted together, loved each other, for two hundred years. It wasn’t enough.”  
I whimpered against her hand. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry they killed him.”  
Victoria recoiled. “No, you aren’t. Don’t lie to me!”  
I coughed, startled to see red in the phlegm I spat on the ground. “I am. Your kind aren’t inherently evil. It isn’t your fault that you have to drink what you have to drink to survive.” I could hardly hear myself over the blood rushing in my ears, but I had to keep talking. “If he hadn’t latched onto me, there never would have been reason to kill him.”  
Victoria hissed in frustration. “I don’t have to take this from a human,” she decided, though I could tell I’d gotten under her skin. “Then why did you have Laurent killed, hmm?”  
“Because he was going to kill me,” I explained. “I don’t just go around sicking my family on their own kind for no reason, you know.” I didn’t know why, but I decided I didn’t want to admit that I knew the wolves to Victoria.  
She glared at me. Opened her mouth to speak. And then, with a sickening crunch, her head was on the ground.  
“Good stalling,” Emmett said in satisfaction, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. I felt his presence on my left, and sure enough, when I turned to him, he was there, golden eyes furrowed in horror, concern, defensiveness.  
“Come on, Edward,” Emmett said, and he crouched on my other side. “It could be worse.”  
I wheezed. “He’s right. She could be wasted on Bella juice by now.”  
“We followed the Eau de Swan all the way out here. Nice thinking there,” Emmett said, offering me a high five. I weakly moved to reciprocate, but yelped in pain as I had distrubed my ribs. Emmett rolled his eyes. “So fragile,” he said, moving to pick me up. “We should have turned you last year, if you ask me.” He reached across me, but all of a sudden, Edward lunged, knocking his arms away and glaring up at him. “Good thing no one asked you,” he growled.  
Emmett backed away with his hands raised in innocence.  
I started to cry as he shifted me in his arms, trying to make me comfortable, but even with his gliding pace, each step caused pain to resonate in my chest and arms.  
“You found her!” I heard Alice shout, and for her sake, I forced my eyes open. More tears welled in my eyes, but these of relief. They were all here. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper were hurrying towards us, unperturbed by the decapitated corpse on the ground ten feet away. Edward turned helplessly to his father. “Please help her,” he begged.  
“‘Please help her’?” Rosalie repeated. “Right, because that was never the plan. We just sprinted back here to kill Victoria and bid her good day.”  
I laughed at that, and although it turned into a pained cough, I saw her smile. Edward’s grip tightened on my arm and thigh.  
“Let’s get back to the house,” Carlisle decided. “I’ll be able to help her there.”  
The parade shuffled along at a human pace, because the running was too much for me. Everytime Edward accelerated to more than a jog, the pain got too overwhelming. Jasper was standing far away, too far for me to ask him to change my emotions. I wondered, vaguely, if his empathy went both ways.  
I lost the energy to talk, and the Cullens didn’t say much, either. I curled into Edward, my relief at being with him again overcoming my betrayal at his abandonment, at least for the time being. He sighed softly, pressing a kiss into my temple, and when I returned by nuzzling my head deeper into his chest, I felt him smile.  
“I thought I’d lost you forever,” he whispered.  
“Believe it or not, I know how that feels,” I said, and the words came out more caustic than I had intended. He didn’t flinch.  
“I know… that I hurt you,” He said carefully. “And I will give you every explanation, apology, and reparation… but not here. When you’re better.”  
“Better is a relative term,” I argued sleepily. I heard Carlisle’s voice from behind Edward’s shoulder. “Don’t let her fall asleep!”  
Edward shook me gently, and I coughed in surprise and pain. Red phlegm landed in the palm of my hand, and I tried to wipe it on my jeans discreetly, but Edward saw. “Carlisle, she’s coughing up blood!” He said in a panic.  
“Okay, we’re running now,” Carlisle said. “It’s going to hurt, but we need to hurry.”  
I steeled myself. Edward looked at me with such concern that I had to look away. “I’m gonna get you help,” he promised. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as he started to run. Sharp agony ran up my arm and through my chest, and I groaned, balling Edward’s shirt in my good fist. Hot tears leaked down my cheeks, and my breathing became sporadic. I heard Edward murmuring reassurances, but right now, it was me and my pain, and nothing else existed in the world. I blacked out.


	13. I Have Several Conversations of Enormous Plot Development

When I came to, I was wearing a large gray tee shirt and a pair of blue basketball shorts. There was a throbbing in my head, a pressure in my chest, a cast on my arm, and from the feel of it, several stitches in my leg. I sat up slowly, supporting myself on my right arm. “Hello?” I called. “Edward? Alice?”  
To my surprise, it was Rosalie who came to my aid. She had with her a glass of water with a metal straw and a plate of carrots and hummus. She sat by my feet on the edge of the couch and blinked at me. “Are you feeling better?” She asked, passing me the water. I took a grateful sip. “Yeah. Thank you.”  
She gazed at her lap, then seemed to focus on the snack she’d brought. “I thought you might be hungry,” she explained, setting it on the coffee table. “Listen, Bella, I- I wanted to apologize to you.”  
I cocked my head slightly. Proud, beautiful Rosalie, apologizing to me? I was too stunned to say anything, and she took it as a cue to continue.   
“Ever since Edward started… pursuing you, I’ve been just awful. To both of you. I’ve been pushing Edward away because I can’t believe he would steal your life like this, but at the same time, I’m- I’m jealous of you, and the life you have, and I’m mad at you for throwing it away.”  
“Rosalie,” I said slowly. “I- Jealous? Of me?”  
She smiled. “You live a hundred years, you start to miss the little things. Anyways, I’m sorry.” She took a deep breath. “It was… arrogant, and rude, of me, to project my desires on to you. Because you’re a different person. And you want different things. And I respect you for it. Besides, Edward is my brother, and I should be supporting his happiness.”  
“I forgive you,” I said. “I- thank you.”  
She gave me another close-lipped smile. “I thought it was remarkably brave, how you stalled Victoria.”  
I blinked. “Oh, um… thanks, I guess.”  
She gave a small laugh and stood up. “I’m interested to see what type of immortal you’ll make, if you and my sister can convince Edward to turn you. Do you want to stand up, walk around, or anything?”  
“Yeah, actually, I, um- I need a human minute,” I admitted, recognizing the uncomfortable pressure in my bladder. Rosalie walked me to the bathroom, waited outside the door for me, then took me to the kitchen, where we sat at the counter. “They went hunting,” she explained of her family’s absence. “Also, there have been rumors that they wanted to investigate.”  
“What kind of rumors?” I asked.   
“More of our kind in Seattle. The kind that, you know, pose a threat.”  
I had never had reason to talk much to Rosalie before. She was, not surprisingly, assertive, and I thought, boldly opinionated for a woman who lived in the 1930s. She was protective, especially of those who couldn’t protect themselves. This, I realized, had been the source of her aversion to me. My self destructive behavior was disgusting to her. She loved cars- her teenage crush had been a mechanic, and she’d spent hours in his shop, watching him work, before her mother learned and put an end to it. Now, she collected the finest antiques she could find, and fixed them up herself. I told her about my truck, and Jacob’s rabbit. Her eyes darkened when I mentioned the wolves, but she seemed happy that we had that in common. Our conversation continued as the morning sun filtered into the kitchen. She told me about how she had been turned. I didn’t know how to react, other than with understanding and sympathy. With a shudder, I asked, “Did Edward know that?”  
She gave me a strange look. “He helped Carlisle carry me back to where they could turn me. Why do you ask?”  
Red, I explained what had happened last year in Port Angeles. She stiffened as I relayed the men who had cornered me in an alley, then Edward, spinning through in his Volvo like some suburban avenger. After a taught silence, she thinly said, “He did not see fit to relay this information to me.”  
“Oh.”  
“Thank you. For telling me.”  
The silence had just become uncomfortable when Rosalie turned to me. “What next?” She asked expectantly.   
“What do you mean?” I asked.   
“I don’t pretend to know the pain of being betrayed by someone I love,” she said. “Edward never told us exactly what he said to make sure you wouldn’t follow him, but I know it must have been rough.”  
I swallowed, staring blankly in the woods. “He, um… He told me that I was a fling, aaand that, um, I wasn’t good for him. And that I seriously couldn’t believe that it was going anywhere, and that I was… just too human.” I couldn’t lift my eyes to meet her piercing gold ones, so I stared at the granite countertop with furrowed brows, following a pattern in the stone.   
“Oh, Bella,” she said, and her voice held so much sympathy that I wanted to tell her to stop talking. “You have to know that he only said those things so that you would stay? That it killed him to leave?”  
“I was comatose.”  
“What?”  
“I mean… I’ve struggled with depression. Before. But then I moved here, and I mean, I had my friends, but Edward was- was my life, you know?” I wiped at my tears- I hadn’t realized I’d started crying. “And then when he said all of those things, it was like he’d gained the ability to look into my mind and pluck them out. How could one of you love someone like me? He’s right.”  
Rosalie was quiet for a moment. She seemed to be constructing her sentence carefully. With great trepidation, she said, “I have known Edward for the entirety of my second life. I’ve seen him alive during the thrill of the hunt, and I’ve seen him despondent and alone. I’ve seen him confused, annoyed, playful, and murderous. But I have never seen him as truly happy as when he’s with you. And if what you’re saying is true, that he is the same for you- then you must know that his words were thrown at you with the intent of protecting you. He thought that his presence would kill you, and he knew that your death would kill him.”  
I bit my lip. “He should have talked to me.”  
“I don’t disagree with you there,” Rosalie said, tugging one knee to her chest and resting her head against it.  
A latch clicked, and the musical voices of the Cullen family permeated the otherwise quiet house.   
“Thank you,” I said sincerely.  
Rosalie blinked, slowly and knowingly, much like a cat displaying its trust. “You’re one of us now,” she shrugged. “Or- you will be, one day.”  
Carlisle blinked when he saw Rosalie and I in close proximity and not killing one another. “You shouldn’t be sitting up,” is all he said.   
“I’m fine, really.”  
Edward glowered behind his father. “Seriously, Rose, what were you thinking? She needs to heal- come on,” he added to me, suddenly at my side, “Back to the couch.”  
“No,” I said forcefully, so much so that Edward froze and Emmett crowed. “No, Edward, we need to have a talk, and I’d like to be upright for it.”  
Edward’s eyebrows were high and arched, but he swallowed and glanced around at his family. No one offered any encouragement, so he inhaled and nodded. “Okay. Can we have the room, please?”  
It was empty in an instant, left with nothing but me, him, and the faint iron scent of blood. He sat on the stool previously occupied by Rosalie, his bright caramel eyes boring into mine with unwavering resolve.   
“You came back,” I said. It was not a question.   
“Yes,” he said.   
“I got hypothermia last September,” I said. “Because I tried to follow you. I got lost.”  
Guiltiness flooded his face, but he didn’t look away. “Yes,” he repeated, miserable this time.   
I took a deep breath. In my mind, I assessed the situation in the terms of my cliff. To my dismay, I realized I’d jumped off the instant he’d hit Victoria with his car. Damn. I’d thought I’d be able to at least control that.   
“I’d like to say my piece, if that’s alright,” I said, in a tone much calmer than I felt. “And then- when I’m done- I’ll hear you out.”  
He nodded after a brief moment of hesitation.   
“You hurt me,” I said. “With the words you spoke. It was as if you reached into my mind- the one mind you aren’t able to see- and pulled out my deepest insecurities. Edward, I am… no stranger to my flaws. They’re all I see, especially when I’m around you, and your family, but when I’m with you, it’s like you didn’t see them. You… you treated me like I was something even more remarkable than you were. But more than that, you treated me like me. And then-“ my voice cracked, and I took a sharp inhale “-you as good as cut my heart out by telling me everything I already knew. I was… a zombie, for months. It took Charlie threatening to send me to Florida to shake me into doing something. Jacob Black, from the reservation, he’s the reason I’m alive. The wolves kept Victoria at bay. Laurent tried to kill me, but they got him first. The only reason they weren’t there today is because Harry Clearwater died.  
“Edward, I thought the world of you. You were my world. You were this beautiful, perfect, unattainable thing, that for some reason, wanted me. I’ve never fit in. I’m not a cookie cutter Arizona girl, or a- a- a small town beauty. I’m plain. But you gave me this wonderful thing, and then you did the cruelest thing you could, which was rip it away. Haven’t I proved that I’m strong? That I have good ideas, that I’m capable? I- I spent these last months wallowing in what, before you dumped me, was just a suspicion, but then you confirmed it- that I wasn’t good enough for you. You, my world, didn’t want me anymore.”  
He made a pained noise in the back of his throat, but I silenced him by placing my finger on his lips. “I was mad at you, for leaving me. Then I was mad at me, for being mad at you, because I still love you, after everything you’ve done, and I berated myself for it. I just… I don’t know.”  
He waited before speaking gently. “I never… never wanted to hurt you. You have to know that I thought I was protecting you.”  
“Since when did I not get a say in my own protection? In what’s good for me?”  
He held his hands up placatingly. “Please?” He asked. I held my glare, then nodded curtly.   
He wrung his hands, then took my good one, rubbing circles on the back of my hand with one thumb. “You say that I’m your world,” he said slowly, composing his thoughts. “But I hope I’m not aggrandizing myself by assuming that that is synonymous with ‘life’. Would that be a fair comparison?”  
I nodded at his questioning look, and he continued.   
“Well- my life has been longer than yours, by a fair amount. But that doesn’t change the fact that… that you’re my life now, too. If you died, I’d… I’d kill myself, Bella, I swear I would. I know how I’d do it, too.”  
“That isn’t healthy,” I said.   
He sighed. “No. But neither is dating a vampire.”  
“That’s valid.”  
“May I?”  
“Please.”  
“I would go to the Volturi. They’re kind of… vampire royalty, slash government? They uphold our most sacred law- the secrecy of our kind. If a vampire is upset, the Volturi will dispose of them, at their request, if they see they’re upset enough to risk causing a scene. I would ask them to kill me, and if they didn’t, I’d walk shirtless in the city at noon. Then they’d have no choice,” he said grimly.   
“My point being,” he said, “That I thought I could save your life by separating myself from you. That if I left you alone, the danger would follow me.”  
“That was an ignorant assumption,” I said. He gave a half laugh, looking at me through eyes that his smile didn’t reach. “Bella, I am… so sorry, for the pain I caused you.” His eyes traveled over my cast, then snapped back to mine. “And emotionally. I understand if… if you’ve healed, and if you never want to see me again.”  
“Stop being so fucking dramatic,” I said. “I trust you less, yeah, and we’re going to need therapy or something, but against my better judgement, I still choose you. It’s just a matter of whether or not you choose me.”  
He seemed to be shocked. “I will always choose you,” he said as though it was obvious.   
I leaned forward. “Make me believe it.”  
He bent until our foreheads touched, and his smooth, cold hands caressed my jaw. “You did,” he said. “When I said that I didn’t want you to come with me, you believed that I didn’t want to leave, so it took more words to shake you, and…” his hands started to tremble. “I wanted to go straight to the Volturi then and there. Hearing you call my name in the woods. I’m… so incredibly lucky that you’re even willing to consider me after all that I’ve done.”  
He back up slightly, holding my face and staring at me. “I would rather spend a thousand days and nights in your indifferent company than in the adoration of anyone else’s. If it takes five hundred years, I will convince you that you are the best part of my life.”  
I arched an eyebrow. “Five hundred years? That’s a bit beyond the average… human lifespan, wouldn’t you agree?” I wiggled my fingers for emphasis. He rolled his eyes with a playful growl, planting a kiss on my forehead. “I’m never leaving again,” he promised, leaning in and kissing me. I closed my eyes, breathing him in, and I made to weave my arms around his neck, but I forgot about my ribs, and my breath hitched in pain. He broke the kiss, clicking his tongue. I rolled my eyes.   
“What are we gonna tell Charlie?” I asked through my hiss of pain, letting him lift me deftly into his lap and snuggling into his marble shoulder.   
“Hmm,” he hummed into my hair. “You were running to your truck for the funeral, and you fell down the stairs?”  
I frowned. “Wasn’t that our excuse in Arizona?”  
He contemplated this. “Repeat offense?” He suggested. I laughed.   
Alice practically skipped back into the kitchen. “You’re all made up?” She asked expectantly. Edward tucked his chin over my shoulder and pressed his head against mine, looking at her, and I practically heard his expression.   
“I need to go home,” I said, pulling back. “Seriously. Maybe- you can drive me? We can tell Charlie… you were coming over, and you found me after I fell, and brought me to Carlisle?”  
We glanced at Alice, who shrugged. “He’ll believe it.”  
Edward carried me out to his car, bridal style. Rosalie gave him a meaningful look as she stepped in front of him to open the side door, and he gave her a quizzical stare in response.   
“You told Rose about Port Angeles?” He asked in a conversational tone, gently setting me down so I could get into the car.   
“She told me about her past. I thought I owed her the same.”  
He nodded. “I think she wants to hunt them.”  
I looked at him, alarmed. “Not to eat?!”  
He chuckled. “No. Not for her to eat, anyways. We, um… we found a couple of newborns in Seattle. It’s already not normal, and we suspect there are more.”  
“What’s so special about newborns?” I asked as he pulled out of the driveway.   
“In the first seven months of their existence, vampires are extra strong because their human blood still remains in their bodies. It has yet to be dissolved by their venom. They’re incredibly dangerous, and difficult to control.”  
“Oh.”  
“Yeah,” Edward grimaced, readjusting his grip on the steering wheel. I stared at the twisting forms of the trees, then froze as I saw a shape in the woods. “Stop! Stop the car.”  
I grunted as my seatbelt irritated my ribs, but I was already getting out as Edward appeared at my side. “What is it? What’s wrong?”  
“There,” I said. The mane of the wolf, eight feet tall at the shoulder, was unmistakable. Jake padded onto . Beside him, a slightly smaller, silver and tan wolf stepped forward.   
“Jacob?” Edward said. The russet wolf snorted, looking at his companion.   
“He says he’s with a Leah Clearwater,” Edward reported. I gasped. “You two imprinted. The only reason she didn’t return it before is because she’s a wolf, too, so she had to…” The greater implications hit me. “That’s why you were so panicked yesterday. Is Harry-“  
Leah snarled, jerking her head away and backing away a few paces. A whine rose from her throat, and Jake pressed his head against her, giving me an uncharacteristic glare.   
“He says… Harry’s heart attack was sparked by Leah’s transformation,” Edward whispered, pity creeping into his voice.   
“Leah, I’m so sorry,” I said. She whimpered, then let out a soft, mournful howl.   
“Jacob also says,” Edward continued, “That he’s assumed his place as alpha.” Jake’s gaze turned solely on Edward, and I heard one half of the conversation.   
“Of course. She posed just as much of a threat to us as to you.”  
Pause.   
“I understand. But… if it’s her choice, you know her as well as I do. I won’t be able to stop her.”  
Pause.   
“You know I will. Leah, my condolences again.”  
He turned back to me, dusting his hands on his jeans. “Okay,” he said, and the great wolves turned and loped back into the woods.   
Charlie was at the kitchen table on the phone when we got home. Edward helped me walk inside. “Charlie?” I called. He swore and got to his feet. “Billy- I- she walked in. I gotta go. Yeah.”  
He hung up and put a hand on his gun, glaring at Edward. “Bella, where were you?”  
“I was going to follow you to the reservation yesterday, but I fell down the stairs on my way to the truck. Edward was on his way over to apologize, and he found me and brought me to Carlisle.”  
His face softened, but it did not escape my. notice that his hand stayed on his holster.   
“You look like you jumped out of a moving vehicle.”  
I snorted before I could stop myself. “Yeah, it feels that way,” I said to cover it.   
“So,” Charlie said. “He leaves you in the woods, freezing, and doesn’t show his face for… six months, and it’s all still good?”  
We had also rehearsed this in the car.   
“Mr. Swan, when my family arrived in Los Angeles, for the new hospital job, I was miserable. I didn’t- I didn’t leave the house, and I could barely eat. I shut down. Carlisle saw what it was doing to me, and by some miracle, agreed to move back until I graduate.”  
“What about your siblings?” Charlie asked, though his grip on his holster softened.   
“Alice and Jasper understand,” he said. “They’re impartial, really. Jasper’s from Texas, so he liked being nearer to home, but this… this is home.”  
Charlie grunted, but it was working. He was sufficiently mollified.   
“We passed Jacob and Leah on our way back,” I prompted. “Harry…?”  
My dad shook his head. I looked down.   
“I have to go, to the reservation,” he said gruffly. “Help with preparations. I don’t want him staying, but I also don’t particularly like the idea of leaving you here alone, and I’m not sure I have much of a say either way.”  
Edward shuffled his feet, but didn’t deny the accuracy of the statement.   
Charlie sighed. “Just… don’t be here when I get back.”   
“Bye, Dad,” I said softly as he walked past us and out the door.   
“What do you want to do?” Edward asked.   
“Sleep, mostly,” I replied. Without a word, I was whisked upstairs. As we settled into the bed, he played with my hair, and I sighed. “I’m really glad you’re back.”  
He bent over, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Me too.”


	14. Epilogue

“Senior prom!” Alice trilled, letting another lock of my hair fall from the curling iron. “Can you believe it?”  
“I can believe that this is like, your eighth senior prom,” I replied, watching her in the mirror. “Do we really have to go?”  
“Of course,” Alice chided. “It’s your only human one, after all.”  
I played along with Alice, letting her do everything she wanted. It was May 14th now, a little early for a prom, but who really cared, and the Cullens had already fit comfortably back into the thrum of life in Forks. During their two months back, Edward and I had discussed a lot. We’d had serious discussions that started with trying to verbalize how much we trusted one another, which invariably escalated into dramatic Shakespearean and Austen-esque declarations of loyalty and adoration. We’d discussed when I would be turned, and decided that it should wait until after graduation. His most elevated stipulation, that we be wed before I was changed. I had originally protested, because everyone in this small town would assume that I’d been knocked up, but after I talked it through with Reneé on the phone, I decided that I didn’t have to carry the weight of my parent’s failed marriage. I was already planning on staying with Edward forever- did I think a ceremony and ring would enact some sort of karma? I waited for him to pull out a ring, but he had smiled and shook his head. “Your proposal will be special,” he insisted.   
And, of course, we would go to senior prom.   
Alice wore an asymmetrical purple gown, and she had put me in a shimmering gold thing. Edward and Jasper had matching ties. Emmett and Rosalie drove us, teasing about how they were “volunteer adult chaperones” and “would be keeping an eye out for any inappropriate behavior”. The gymnasium was poorly decorated, past its occupancy, and smelled like a teenage boy’s armpit.   
And as I danced with Edward and saw the way his eyes followed me, and felt the steadiness of him next to me, I thought it was one of the most brilliant nights of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who’s left warm words and kudos on this! I may continue this into an Eclipse But I Fixed It, so stay tuned!


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